THE UNTOUCHABLES: Besides Julie Gichuru,Here Are 6 Other Kenyan Media Personalities That You Just Can’t Attack. No Matter How Hard You Try.

Couple days ago,Julie Gichuru trended thick and fast on Twitter after her betting company mCheza (I was shocked it was hers) was exposed as a frivolous entity that paid peanuts to the winners of the bets she enticed them to place on the site.

For hours,the well-manicured Ex-Citizen TV fixture was dragged for being the face of a scam,duping her clients,rewarding betting winners with a song and being generally a moral degenerate.

But soon as the anti-Gichuru hashtag started catching fire,with Twitter loudmouths like Boniface Mwangi jumping on the gravy,to viscerally attack the poor lady,yet another hashtag bearing her name sufficed – a pro-Gichuru hashtag this time.

And Twitter went from mildly entertaining to straight-up epic. The clash of the hashtags began. With Boniface leading the massive onslaught on one side and the likes of State House mandarin Dennis Itumbi marshaling the pro-Julie troops on the other.

One camp called her out for her disastrous run as a News Anchor,her association with dubious names who siphoned billions from the Kenyan economy,her dalliance with corruption and her endorsement of a habit and exercise that many consider sinful and downright awful – Betting.

And the other camp praised her for her poise,her genteel mien,her academic qualifications,her successes in whatever she did,her media excellence and her inspiration of thousands (if not millions) of Kenyan girls.

And at the end of the messy day,after much murk and bile had been exchanged,Julie Gichuru emerged the winner. Her dishonesty at mCheza notwithstanding.

And we all learnt one lesson… You don’t come for Julie Gichuru. No matter what she does. Coz the lady will win. Most definitely.

I mean,she just walked away from a raging Twitter firestorm unscathed.

Besides Julie,there are other media personalities that you just don’t attack. Because they’re either too powerful,too influential,too successful,too care-free,too unperturbed or too strong-willed to be affected by your attacks.

Number one…

1. Caroline Mutoko 
No one better to start the list than the Queen of social media upheavals. She’s been there. Done it all. And seen it all. Caroline has been dragged by all manner of people (bloggers and regular social media users alike),she’s been called names,she’s had Facebook pages celebrating her death created,she’s been blasted and had her child dragged to the filth,her fertility,romantic life and age has been numerously brought up,but still,it never broke the lady. All the time,she never lacks a gang of spirited supporters who came to her aid. And even without them,she keeps her head high and her heels higher. Nothing seems to faze this woman. No amount of attacks puts her down. She’s mastered the art of rising above the bile. Not even Robert Alai, the National pain in the ass,can bring a sister down. Boom!

2. Jeff Koinange 
He’s mastered the art of privatizing his life. Very little about him is in the public domain. And that gives very little arsenal to his detractors to come for his ass. That alone is the reason going for Jeff is a complete waste of time. Plus,just like Gichuru,Jeff has an avowed Twitter army that would slit throats for him. No amount of attacks on Jeff can last for half a day before being quickly shot down by his Twitter gang led by Xtian Dela. Plus he isn’t the type to spur with you. He’s either too classy or too busy for the madness. Miss him with the bullshit. And forget ever going for Jeff’s jugular.

3. Churchill 
He’s,according to urban legend, the cleanest of them all. Churchill has not had a Scandal attached to him for years. Except that one time some Nigerian dudes,we hear,attempted to extort him for some stupid setup they’d put him in. Churchill,just like Jeff, is dangerously secretive. Very little is known of his family or kids. And he likes it that way. You won’t see him partying himself lame at some Ngong Road club into the wee hours of the night. He doesn’t even go out. And he’s also born again,we hear. Try going for such a man. You won’t get far. Plus he’s so widely beloved by so many millions of Kenyans,people think he can do no wrong. Add that to the fact that he had God on his side. Churchill is simply unattackable. End of STORY.

4. Kalekye Mumo 
She’s a student of Caroline Mutoko. Sure,she has learnt the ropes and learnt how to stay strong amid the fights and the attacks. Kalekye,just like Miss Mutoko, has had her fair share of spurs with Kenyans on social media. She’s been dragged for many things,had her weight called into question,been called out for stuff she’s said on air or posted on social media and still, wasn’t fazed or broken by it all. Just like her mentor, Miss Mumo has learnt to take the fight to the enemy’s doorstep. And stick till the end of the bloody mess. Indefatigable and unbowed,Kalekye knows no losses. And runs from no scuffle. Wanna start trouble? Miss Kalekye will come for you. And your brother. And your sister. And your whole clan. She doesn’t even need a social media army to defend her (she doesn’t actually have one) she does it herself. And bounces the hell away. To lose more weight. Viva Mama!

5. Lucy wa Ngunjiri 
She’s one of the most adored and idolized radio voices across the Country. As the long-running presenter of the Itaha Ria Muoyo” program on Kameme FM, Lucy has created an army of devout followers most of whom,just like her,are devoutly born again and very fervent worshippers. Lucy had carried her fan base and taken them to places they’d never been before. She’s one of the most trusted voices on radio and her Sunday morning services on radio have become a much-needed recipe in the life of the regular Central Kenya radio lover. You can’t drag her to no mud. It just won’t stick. And can’t stick. God will be on her side. So will her thunderous army of diehards. Victory is Lucy’s second name.

6. Adele Onyango 
As the youngest one of all of them,and the least powerful one,it’s no surprise that Adele made the list. She’s from Kiss FM, just like Kalekye and Caroline Mutoko. Kiss seems to give it’s presenters some kind of energy that just cannot be shaken. Or gainsaid. Adele has been a victim of social media trolling one too many times. But she always comes out of it the Victor. She’s been trolled for her teeth (obviously) her laughter, her fashion sense,her looks (or lack thereof) her style and her somewhat unpalatable music but still,she rises. Adele has learned to take the attacks in her stride,laugh away some of it,embrace her dental formula and use it to bite into her detractors,quickly scattering them. Adele does not possess the type of Untouchability that the likes of Julie Gichuru and Churchill enjoy. She’s not powerful or hugely influential or anything. But she’s learned to put up a good fight. And learned to NOT be put down. Little and brittle,she’s fought her own social media battles. And don’t be fooled, she, just like Julie,does have a Twitter army that will quickly pounce to her defense when called upon. Not as powerful as Julie’s but still,an army. Come for her at your own risk.

I could have included Larry Madowo here but then I remembered the number of times he’s frantically contacted the Ghafla CEO to have some unflattering story about him brought down. He doesn’t possess the sort of thick skin that you may think he does.

Deep down,social media wars get to him. And tear him apart despite the vibe he puts off.

Same goes for Njoki Chege. I could go on and on. But you already know the drill by now….