The Truth And Nothing But The Truth About The NAIROBI DIARIES. And Why Vera Sidika Is Ashamed To Be In The Show.

Ever since it launched,to much fun fare and seemingly endless kerfuffle on Twitter,I have never watched a single episode of Nairobi Diaries. At least on TV. Don’t get me wrong here,I’ve always craved to watch this much derided show,just to gleefully participate in the shade,but I’m always either not at home on a Monday evening or I am at home and I totally forget it’s even airing.

So,to familiarize myself with this trainwreck,I decided to binge-watch this show on YouTube last night for a straight 3 hours or so. Not even room for a bathroom break. I watched intensely and meticulously. From around 7.30pm to past 10.00pm. And yes,I’ll never forgive myself for subjecting my intelligent self to so much mental anguish and intellectual ruination.

Half of the time I watched the show,from the very first episode to the one that aired this past Monday,I found myself exasperated,alarmed,upset, dismayed,breathless,horrified,grossly disappointed and breathlessly at a loss of words.

There were so many things that were so ludicrously wrong with the show that I simply gave up on keeping a tab.

Unlike many Twitter users,themselves largely bitter individuals with no life,talent or hope,I didn’t find their accents vexing. Maybe Pendo’s. But not everyone’s.

Also,unlike the many sentiments from the self-appointed Twitter pontificates,I didn’t find their hair,and the silly assumption that it’d been harvested from Horses,annoying either.

I actually loved all of these women’s hair. It,according to me,is fabulous and fantastic and dazzling and any man-or woman-who would have a problem with such kind of hair is a woman who wishes to have it but CANNOT afford it and a man who is so dangerously poor and helpless he cannot afford it for his woman.

We all know just how pricey these Human Hairs are and no,we won’t start bashing such superb hair just to make a silly point and to garner a couple retweets from our fellow cheap hoodrats.

I did however,have a problem with the show’s overall production. It’s so cheap,shambolic and perfunctory that I had to fetch a bucket and place it next to me just in case I needed to throw up.

The guys at Ink Production Ltd,which is the cavalier Production company that was unfortunate enough to handle this show’s Production did such a horrible horrible job that they need to have their license canceled by several bodies including the City Council,CCK,COFEK and a few others.

The yawnsome rapper who did that banal intro rap soundtrack should also have his voice recalled by God and banished from ever nearing any studio for not less than Five Years.

The Graphics guy too must be some unqualified fellow who must have sketched up those horrendous graphics from a downtown River Road office with a six month rent arrears.

Don’t even get me started on the show’s editor. I’ve seen better edited shows on Mbaite TV.

The girl’s stylist too,assuming they even have one,was also a complete and utter joker. Those girls,especially Pendo and Gertrude,have such horrible clothes and makeup they ended up looking like middle-aged,divorced jobseekers in Bujumbura. Or Brazilian ex-convicts running a poorly-lit brothel for homosexuals.

Many are the times,too,that the sound would be lost in those shaky YouTube videos,shot so poorly,I was left feeling queasy half of the time.

I may have said I didn’t mind their accents. But what really was nauseating is their grammar .Oh,do these girls need a crash course on how NOT TO butcher grammar.

K24,the television station that finally bulged and allowed these strumpets to find airtime on their channel,must,however,be laughing all they way to the bank. But that’s really an assumption.

Larry Madowo,that ubiquitous NTV narcissist,has already made it clear that Ink Production had approached NTV with the intention of pitching the show but the NTV honchos dumped the show as quickly as you dump a piece of soiled tampons.

The girl’s acting skills,given that half of this show is scripted anyway,and not as real as they’d want to make us believe,are,for lack of a harsher word,stomach-churning. None of them can act. And the scriptwriting guy himself is a creative robber.

The show’s producer also must be in need of a refresher course on Production. For instance, 20 minutes and 40 seconds into Episode 2,you can subtly see Gertrude signaling the Director with her eyes that it’s a wrap. And just then,she says it’s a wrap and all the girls get up and leave… But I saw her signal the director that it’s time to stop rolling… Crap!

The amount of technical issues in the show is also mind-boggling. The shots are poor,the takes are haphazard,the sound is crappy,the lighting is horrendous and the girls are ill-prepared.

Vera Sidika,known as Miss Vee in the show,is supposed to be the Star of the show. Also the most famous and popular cast member of all of the other girls. But Vera has been silently disassociating herself with the show since it’s debut.

Before it started airing,Vera was upbeat about it and wouldn’t stop sharing promo clips of it on Instagram and Facebook etc. But after its launch,and disastrous reception by Kenyans,Vera’s earlier association with the show started dwindling.

Vera started feeling embarrassed of being associated with the show and even being one of it’s major players. She stopped sharing promo clips,stopped harking about it on Social Media and seemed to have suddenly gone mute abut it. She even cleverly stopped reminding her fans to watch it every Monday.

‘Vera started feeling embarrassed by the show… She thought Kenyans would receive it with much jubilation but she was taken aback after Kenyans roundly lampooned the show and called it rubbish’, a Vera Sidika insider told Ghafla.

‘Vera hates mediocrity and really hates anything that cheapens her brand that she’s worked so hard to establish’, the source continued.

‘And after watching the show and watching the cold reaction to it by Kenyans,Vera sought to distance herself from the show. She has deliberately refused to promote the show on her Social Media platforms since then and she feels really embarrassed to be on it in the first place… ‘

‘Have you seen her talk about the show since it started airing? She suddenly went mute and started acting like she isn’t even a part of it. And yet she is. The only reason Vera is still in the show and wouldn’t want it canceled is the money she’s obviously making from it. It’s not a lot but it supplements her income… ‘ the source added.

‘She’s also ashamed of the earlier episodes which reminded Kenyans of her initial dark skin that she’s now bleached out. If there is something Vera would like totally forgotten,is the fact that she once had dark kin. She hates the topic and hates revisiting her past. She may act all cool and strong but Vera hates any wounds being reopened…Her bleaching is something very dear to her and also very risky to her confidence and anything that reminds Kenyans of her once dark skin,thus invoking old memories and restarting old conversations about her skin makes her very uncomfortable and really piques her…..’

‘Can I tell you someone else who doesn’t want to be associated with the show in the first place? Although she’s a cast member? Sylvia Njoki. I know things you don’t. And don’t quite my name please…’ the source revealed.

Well,that’s the Nairobi Diaries in its purest form. In black and white. The long and short of it.

Still,I will keep watching it. And so will hundreds of thousands of Kenyans. Maybe not to be entertained. But just to throw shade…

Good day,Nairobians.