The seven types of groupies Ghafla! has seen
Davido, Ice Prince and Diamond are in town. One word: Groupies!!!!!!!
I’m not gonna sit here and deny that there aren’t men that would sleep with me simply because I write for a popular blog, articulate my thoughts well, and don’t cause their eyes to bleed when they see me in 3D. That would be nonsensical Chim Tuna shit chatter. At the same time, there are plenty of men that just appreciate all the intricacies and efforts that go into regularly providing one’s thoughts to the world to read. Once you put yourself out there publicly, you open yourself up to the good, the bad, and the ugly. That really does take a certain type of person; especially when we attach a real life picture that makes us easily identifiable in public. It’s not hard to see why someone might find me intriguing, fascinating, or well….. bawse.
The same can be said for someone that has the ability to sling together rhymes, distribute their songs, and perform in front of crowds while knowing that a lot of the people there may not like what they have to say.
One of the trickier things that celebrities have to do nowadays is decipher between who’s a fan, who’s a groupie and who’s just plain thirsty. I had probably 10 different conversations with Chim before I wrote this post. As a matter of fact, I wrote 3 different articles about the groupie before I So here’s what I’m thinking:
1. The Basic Groupie: This type is pretty simple. She’ll chase a dude’s pocket just because he has a job. For her, it doesn’t matter if he’s an annoying writer at Ghafla or conductor of a matatu. This type of groupie just wants anyone to take advantage of. She also doesn’t care too much about how the guy looks aesthetically. With the professional and mid-level groupie, being attractive isn’t an option; it’s a MUST. For the basic groupie, though, long as you have all your limbs and go to your job every day to collect that check, she’s interested.
2. The Gutter Groupies: These are the women who will wait outside the arena gates after an awards show and do anything, (sometimes right there in the parking lot). If a celebrity is feeling particularly chivalrous, he might let one service him in his Range Rover. Gutter Groupies don’t get involved in airfare, hotel rooms, trips even to Mombasa. They simply won’t go that far to give a free BJ, you gotta keep it local.
3. The Working Girls: The most prevalent category. Working Girls will bang a celebrity if the opportunity arises, yes, but they won’t do just anything, and they don’t wait in parking lots. They’re the ones reading True Love magazine, looking at the fashion pages but doing the Look for Less. They’re mostly blue-collar, often from the hood, and more likely to be swept up by the “culture” than by the actual celebrity. They’re notch-in-the-belt party girls, and they’d be happy with a fling with any member of the entourage. Basically, being a groupie is their hobby. And for that reason Working Girls have a helluva lot of fun.
4. The Fly Girls: These are the women who are just classy enough to merit a second encounter with a celebrity. They might even get to rock a piece of jewelry and ride shotgun in the celebrity’s car. To be a Fly Girl, you need to be carrying real Louis Vuitton, and ALWAYS have top quality weaves in (Virgin Remy, Malaysian, Peruvian sold by the gram/bundle. No packet weaves here). You also have to be really gorgeous. But most Fly Girls are often in denial. They refuse to see themselves as groupies. They need to attend Naija-night rehab or something.
5. The Professional Groupie: This type is strictly industry! You might find her disguised as a stylist, personal assistant, personal shopper, celebrity host, or the dreaded “model”. If she’s college-educated, she may fancy herself as his lawyer, accountant, business manager, publicist, or realtor. On the surface you would never think she’s a groupie because her day is filled with being in the midst of celebrities or men with money and power. But if you take a look at her social calendar, she never hangs out with us common folk. She’s a mainstay RSVP name at every industry event. She’s always on the red carpet with a familiar male face. And at some point, she’ll become the girlfriend or baby’s momma of a prominent male celebrity (think Lala Vasquez). Very few women can be in this circle because it takes actual work or talent!
6. The mid-level groupie: Who knew your average Tom, Dick, and Harry could have a female harem? There’s a common saying that if a man leads with his money, he can’t expect a woman to not want a piece of it. The mid-level groupie is the type that’ll ask “what do you do?” before she even knows your name or age. They tend to pursue the guys that are known around town; club managers, doctors, and lawyers. Wait, like a club manager? Yes! That guy has groupies too! It might seem like a big jump from a club manager to a doctor, but in cities like Nairobi, Cape Town, Johannesburg, Lagos, the nightlife is a big deal. Just as a doctor lives in a gated community with a 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom mansion, so can a club manager. Every woman wants a handsome, well-respected doctor to claim as her own; but free bottle service is hard to turn down right?The mid-level groupie category has the most competition for females. The variety for a man is over-whelming, however the supply curve of the mid-level groupie’s target is relatively narrow.
7. The Upper Crust: The stratospheric category of babe who might end up engaged or married (however briefly) to a celebrity. The Upper Crust also includes women whose daddies can get them backstage with all the celebrities. They tend to be bony-assed girls with nasal accents from their priviledged upbringing. They may not be out to have relationships/marry the celebrities—but they won’t be left out on the curb either.
That being said, my two cents: if you’re going to be a groupie, you have to have some type of gimmick to lure your target in. Long story short, you have to hustle the hustler.
