PARTY LESSONS : Hey College Kids,This Is How To Throw A Successful College Party Where No One Gets Killed, No One Gets Hurt, No One Gets Robbed And No One Gets Raped.

College students are notorious for many things – none of which beats their sporadic parties thrown either in the house,club,verandah,corridor,corner shop or parking lot.

And unlike your everyday party,a college party is one seriously dangerous affair. What starts like a calm gathering of classmates and acquaintances quickly degenerates into a wild bender fueled by Illicit drugs,wanton drunkenness,abrupt nudity,heavy disturbance of peace,total disregard of the law and order and wicked sex sessions that don’t stop till the following morning.

If you can survive a college party,with all of it’s intoxicating ingredients combined,you can surely survive anything – including a marketplace bombing attack in downtown Mumbai.

Last weekend,for instance, the Country was jarred by the shockingly terrible deaths of eight bubbly college students on their way to a White Party in Kisii.

No one knows a lot about what caused the freak accident but one thing is for sure ; these kids must have been terribly drunk,must have been driving like Arabian maniacs and must have been very intoxicated and high to think straight or have a care in the world.

And that’s the consummate culture of college – free,wild,risky,crazy.

We’ve heard enough stories about why we shouldn’t drink and drive. But not enough stories on how to successfully throw a party that doesn’t end up consuming tens of souls and disrupting lives forever.

Wanna throw a college party? Wild one for that matter? Sure! Why not!

But first….. The Rules:

1. Be Loyal To Your Drink

Most unfortunate incidences that occur at a college party are as a result of students taking a galaxy of drinks and mixing it all up with a little whiskey,a little vodka,a little brandy, a little rum, a little beer,a little wine and a little champagne. Just stick to one drink. Stop filling up your cup with all manner of stuff. This is what we call alcohol promiscuity. Be FAITHFUL to whichever brand you are used to. And stop jumping at every new drink that’s been placed on the table. Mixing up drinks can leave you more messed up than the Greek economy. Are you a Flirt Vodka person? Good. Just sit at a corner and enjoy your sweet Flirt Vodka. Responsibly. Pouring in some Jameson,some Viceroy and some White Cap in the same cup will leave you feeling like a joke. You might end up in a different town actually.

2. Drink Responsibly

I know. I know. We’ve all heard this one for the last six the years or so. And still,we drink irresponsibly. College kids drink like Irish sailors. There’s no amount of alcohol these deviants won’t swallow. They’re like a processing plant – pouring endless liters of the stuff into their bellies. Come on kid! Sit that butt down and drink with a limit. Don’t drown a whole bottle and still hope to wake up tomorrow in one piece. You won’t know how you ended up with pain in your vaginal area. Won’t even know what happened to your bra. Or how come you can’t find your phone. Take the liquor that your little body can handle. It’s not so much to ask for.

3. Water Water Water

EABL has done enough campaigns on this matter. And yet,it never sinks in. Pun unintended. Doesn’t matter how wild the party be. Doesn’t matter how many bottles have been splashed across the table. Girl,take your water. Religiously. Make sure you’re drowning your booze with pints of water after every half an hour. Take as much water as you can. It helps detoxicate your body and helps crush down the potency of the liquor you’ve just imbibed. Doesn’t matter what sort of drinker you are. Heavy or light. Water always works wonders. It keeps your body from giving in. And keeps you from falling into a ditch. Like a bag of premature cabbages.

4. Arrive With A Friend

Been invited to a party!? Cool. Planning to attend? Even better. But remember! You MUST NOT attend a party alone. Especially a house party. House parties are like the altars of Satan. A lot can happen in there. A lot. You will need to drag along a friend who will watch over you and make sure your watch is still strapped around your wrist even after you’ve blacked the fuck out. You need a friend who, in fact,drinks less than you and doesn’t get more ratchet than you. Otherwise you will both wake up in Ruaka. Minus your underpants. Let that friend be not just a friend but also your keeper – let them help you stay grounded. And help you avoid getting so drunk you end up twerking on the ceiling. And peeing on the watchman.

5. Eat

Don’t just show up to parties with your belly grumbling. Fix yourself a plate of something to eat. Alcohol doesn’t work so well with an empty belly. House parties tend to prepare some random ugali and nyama for the attendees. And in some cases,the ugali /nyama is not forthcoming. Don’t fret. Go out and eat. Eat hard. You will need a full belly to accommodate the amount of alcohol you’re about to shamelessly drown. You don’t want to black out at 8.36pm. And lose your bag by 10.09pm. Silly bastard.

6. Designated Driver

Yeaaaah yeeaaah yeeaaah,this is obviously the most boring part of the rules. Plus you’ve heard that line so many times you want to throw up. But still,I insist,find some competent driver who will chauffer your drunk ass around when need be. Either that or stop being such a silly drunken wretch yourself and drive your own ass home. You didn’t come to kill yourself and your crew. You came to party and end up home in one piece. Therefore,getting yourself terribly drunk and still getting behind the wheel beats the whole purpose of the word ‘Celebration’. You’re driving human beings around. Not your college papers. The least you can do is either manage your drink or let some less wasted fellow drive you guys home. Or to wherever you wish to end up. Don’t end up with a broken spine and a dead girlfriend while trying to be cool. This is not The Matrix.

7. STOP RACING ON THE ROADS

I had to use Capital Letters for this particular point. College kids with a souped-up Subaru Imprezza will always want to outdo the next guy. Young people love driving together,trailing each other,overtaking each other,yelling and each other and out speeding each other. Well,this doesn’t last too long. It didn’t last in Kisii anyway. STOP RACING along the roads. Stop out speeding each other. STOP these unnecessary overtakings and STOP tailgating each other. Accidents happen in a mili-second. You cannot gamble with your life while trying to show off your road wizardry. You’re not on the set of Fast And Furious 6. You’ll be gone in a minute honey. In less than a minute actually.

8. Carry Some Cash With You

Stop showing at parties with like sixteen shillings in your wallet. It’s a party. Not a Sunday School reunion. Anything can happen at a party. Especially a college one. You need to beef up your finances before you leave that door. Anything can happen. You might end up dumped in the middle of a road by your stupid, drunk boyfriend. And you’ll need to go home. Your friend might end up vomiting her bowels away and you will be required to take them home. Anything happens. You need to be financially ready for any eventuality. Broke? Then don’t show up at a party. No one wants to yell next to a broke ass anyway. You’re the reason people are dying actually. Have some little cash just in case things go south. And they usually do.

9. Charge Your Phone

You need to have a fully-charged phone by the time you leave your hostel and creep into that party some thirty kilometers away. You don’t want to show up in a whole new town,into a whole new house with your phone playing at 12%. And you didn’t even carry a charger. Wild things happen at house parties. You need your phone in case you need to call your friend or boyfriend or cab guy or mother or anything. Things might get seriously nasty and you don’t have a way of contacting any loved one. Keep your phone charged. Keep your phone alive. Shit might hit the fan. And your phone will be your ticket to deliverance.

10. Don’t Stay In The House Party Past 12.00 Midnight

Soon as it’s approaching midnight,you should ask that the music is stopped and that people should now hit the club. Especially if you’re in some dude’s house which is like three towns from your hostel. Don’t party too much in a stranger’s house. Especially if the house is full of some seventy seven dudes and thirteen chics. Doesn’t matter who you are. Male or female. Don’t overstay in a house party. Leave soon as it’s midnight or some minutes past one o’clock. Ask to go to the club or something. Don’t get too stuck up in a drunken situation. Move around. Change venues. Breath in some fresh air. Stay woke.

And with that,let’s hope that I will get invited to the next College Party. And have the hottest girl in the Campus booked for me.

Good? Good!

Party in Peace,B**ches!