PARTY CULTURE: This Is Where The Rich People Party,The People Who Own Kenya And This Is What They Are Normally Up To With Their Illicit College Girlfriends

The series ain’t over yet. Sorry for the little break. We’re back… Where were we? Oh,Nairobi CBD. That’s what we talked of last time… And we all saw how the people in the city center party.

And now,we shall attempt to dissect yet another lot of diehard party goers. The good folks along Kiambu Road. Now, there’s tons of clubs and nightspots along Kiambu Road. And even in Kiambu town itself…

Most of them are secretive villas ensconced in the lush green landscapes that make up the beautiful County. As for the clubs in Kiambu town, which include Bells, Manasa,Savanna and New Memories clubs,there’s not much to say about them. Most of them actually look like conference halls where farmers gather to share their annual coffee spoils.

But as for the clubs along Kiambu Road,which include Club Sidai Oleng,Scotchies Lounge etc, and especially around the opulent Ridgeways and Thindigua Estates,life there is quite the pull… They’re alive and kicking and classy and exotic and swanky. Some of these clubs also are private entities where ONLY registered members get to access,along with their illicit college girlfriends.

So,how do the people in the Land of Kabogo party? Let’s see….

Privacy 

Kiambu is the Land of the Wealthy. Not the hotbed of the holloi pollois. Hence the derisive word ‘Kiambu Mafia’. This is where power came from. And,somehow,where power stays. Some of the MOST powerful and influential people in Kenya came from-and still come from-The Mighty Kiambu. So,for a lot so powerful,and dizzyingly wealthy,privacy is a very important matter. Rich folks hate to have their little dirty acts aired allover the place. Along with their blithe,barely-dressed girlfriends. So,most of these clubs operate on a huge private banner. They’re secluded clubs. And you only get to access them IF and ONLY if you can prove to be harmless and not a 007 agent.

Cold 

Kiambu is super cold. And if you’re planning for a bonky night out,you’d better bring along some warm clothing with you. In Kiambu,you don’t just throw on a loss t-shirt and a short and hop into your car for a night out. You’ve gotta dress up and dress warm. Especially if you’re planning to stay out long. Gotta beat the cold even as you down the coldest Tusker on the menu.

Secret side b*tches 

Like I said earlier,if there’s one place where married men,all with their bulging tummies and graying hairs take their girlfriends,it’s along Kiambu Road. There,they’re assured that NOBODY can see them and that their wives,most of whom are crazy,career women,won’t totter into the club at 2am to find them caught up in the throes of passion with these young damsels. Kiambu Road clubs are the havens of sexual mischief. And the number one hotspot for all things romantically illegal. Check it out. 

Class. And more class. 

Forget the tackiness you encounter in your local home pubs. Where half of the revelers are either petty thieves or inebriated whores grinding on the floor. Along Kiambu Road,one thing reigns supreme : Class. Here men and women arrive with all the manners they can possibly muster. And then,once seated on some classy chair,ask for some real exotic drink and act all cultured and slitzy. But don’t blame them… They come from wealthy backgrounds. And for some,even Elizabethian aristocratic homes. Being classy is all they know, really.

Boring music. 

Owing to how they carry themselves around,you’ll be lucky to find a Naija tune tearing up these clubs. Or some real booming Jamaican hits. All they play here is some really boring even dreary music. Because,really,most of the people who party here don’t even care. Nobody even pays any attention to them DJs anyway. So he’s free to play whatever crap he feels like playing. And boy,can they abuse this privilege.

Beer Prices are crazy! 

You’ve gotta be well-endowed (financially,of course) to afford a smooth night along Kiambu Road. For starters,you’ve gotta have a car. Coz accessing some of these clubs,hidden in the bushes and forests and silent roads,can be taxing. And if you’re driving, and afforded to find your way to a club hidden between thickets,surely you can afford a huge bill. Beers here don’t come for 170 Bob. Kama club za kwenu. You’ve gotta part with like 240,250 Bob or even 300 bob for a single freaking beer. But what choice do you have?! You chose the life.

Old People 

In most cases,except in the noisy,poorly-constructed clubs in Kiambu tao,along Kiambu Road,most people you’ll find there are rather too mature and others,ummm,plain old. Here,you’ll meet a club littered with folks over 35 and above. Most of whom are buddies who just came out to hang out and act aloof together. Hence the boring music. You won’t find the place teeming with 20-something year olds. Not unless it’s a special occasion. Or a bring-your-side-bitch-out night.

Tribalism. 

Everyone in these clubs is Kikuyu. And is talking Kikuyu. To everyone. And even the waiters and waitresses are Kikuyu to their poop. I ain’t saying you won’t find an occasional Luo waiter, Kamba waiter here and there. Am just saying that the level of Kikuyuism in these clubs is so high,you want to choke on your beer. But then you remember how expensively you bought it.

Mugithi Music… 

It goes without saying…

 

Parking lot. 

For people like these,you can be assured that the Parking lot will be fuller than Bro Ocholla’s Facebook inbox. There’s almost never any parking spot left here. Cuz everybody arrived with their car. And not just car,huge eye-popping machines…

Nyama Choma 

Nothing is ever complete in Kiambu land without a good dose of some good old nyama choma. Oh, don’t they love it! These blokes. All that matters for a regular party goer in Kiambu is nyama. And a lot of it. You’ll see them arrive in the club,bellies hanging and all,toying with their car keys,and the first thing they’ll want to know is, ‘Kuna nyama tayari!?’ Meat,here,is a life and death issue. Really.

And that,ladies and gentlemen,is how the good people along Kiambu Road party. If we can even call that partying. Sounds more like a beer-drenched business meeting to me. Either way, it’s in a club. So we shall assume it’s partying.

NEXT: HOW THE PEOPLE IN GITHURAI PARTY.