PARTY CULTURE : Parking Lot Lungula, Shisha Bongs And Egocentric Gunfights…. This is How People in WESTLANDS Party

The series continues…. Last week,we saw how the good folks in MERU party. And sure, they do know how to throw a good one. Never mind their dressing or awkwardness on the dance floor. And today,we shall yet again analyze a certain part of Kenya and how they go about their party business.

WESTLANDS,which has always been the most preferred party spot for most Nairobi celebrities and urbane folks,is the ultimate home of entertainment and hedonism in this City.

For a long time now,WESTLANDS has been the to-go place for all manner of debauchery and unbridled immortality. Filthy rich politicians take their little,demonic college girlfriends to Westlands for weekends of excessiveness. Celebrities take their parties (most of which lack a quorum or even drinks) to Westlands. College girls from swanky colleges take their mannerlessness to Westlands and pretty much all visiting International celebrities will be pictured partying and letting loose at any one of Westlands’ famous hounds.

In short,if you’re loaded and can afford it,if you’re the type to show off and live a lie, if you’re a wannabe and/or want to fit in,WESTLANDS is the place to be.

Westlands,for a start,is the melting pot of nightclubs. There’s the hugely popular Skyluxx Lounge,the exquisite Aqua Blu Lounge, the tacky Gispys, the genteel ABC place, K1,Black Diamond (Is it still up and running?) Velvet and the likes.

Well now… How do the people in Westlands party? Here’s HOW:

Aloofness 

Aloofness is the general snobbish attitude that people tend to have towards other people. A feeling of lack of touch with the general public and a feeling of self-importance and exaltation. For most of the party-goers in Westlands, a snobbish attitude is always served chilled and on the rocks. Like I said,most of the people that party here tend to think (and almost believe) they’re special and important and therefore,tend to act so. You will see them in the clubs, struggling to snuggle themselves at the VIP section (never mind how useless they truly are), you’ll see them with their drink in hand,sometimes wearing oversized dark sunglasses,sitting at a corner,staring into nothingness,looking all uptight and bothered,not talking or smiling or wanting to be looked at. Trashy,dirty bastards. Feeling themselves and all.

Bills Bills Bills…. 

The average guy who parties in Westie is oh-so-loaded! Man, these bitches have it all. They don’t walk into the club to hassle and haggle over prices and complain over the bill. They don’t walk into the club to try and split the bill or conduct some quickie harambee to raise money for a ‘Mzinga’. No, they’re sorted and they know it. Their wallets are bulging and their purses are purring. These are rich people, partner. They’ll rack up bills that are as high as whatever stuff the CORD Principals smoke. They’re the Kings and Queens of The Bill. The Almighty Bill.

Drinks… 

Unlike the stuff you find strewn allover a table in a typical Meru nightclub,the drinks that these people prefer to swig speak for themselves. Classy drinks. Exquisite drinks. Urbane drinks. Imported drinks. Heavenly drinks. You won’t find cheap Athi River whiskeys on their tables. Or the Kariobangi Vodkas. Instead,all you see across all the tables,from Skyluxx to Aqua Blu to K1 is Jamesons,Smirnoff Blue Vodkas, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walkers, Ciroc and so on and so forth. Nothing trashy. Just class and wealth. Just that.

Empty Dance floors 

In keeping up with their snobbish tradition,acting up and putting on a Queen of England show, these folks will NOT hit the dance floor no matter how good the song is. Not that they can’t dance… No, they’re actually good dancers. Trouble is, they’re too caught up in a desire to look cool and be cool and impress the world that they don’t find hitting the dance floor a good sport. They’d rather sit and bop their heads. Or tap their left leg. But no, these wannabes won’t be caught dead tearing up the dance floor. Nooo… They’re way top cool for that kind of Madness. But still, the dance floor is never that empty. Some crazy ones will still somehow end up on it… Somehow.

Fresh Air

Unlike most clubs, there’s some fresh air in these clubs. Mostly because the people in the clubs actually took a shower before going out and also because the place is not so crowded and crammed with all manner of drunk,, sweaty individuals. Therefore, the air is almost always fresh and bearable. And even when it’s not, there’s some smoke machines to clear things up. Literally.

Dress code. 

Dressed to kill. No, to MURDER. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Gun Fights 

Since most of the bastards who party here super wealthy individuals (Politicians,Celebrities) then,in most cases,these same people do carry licensed guns along with them. And time after time,after having one too many drinks,and feeling all loose and troublesome,fights break out. And unlike typical club fights,where there’s a lot of  exchange of blows and physical knock outs, in Westie, they settle their beefs with much gun fights. All of a sudden, you’ll hear them guns go off,see people scattering and see wounded guys allover. Ask akina Prezzo and Chameleon and almost all politicians how bar fights are settled down there. Boom twaf twaf.

Parking lot sex

No other part of Nairobi is as sexually hungry and mannerless as Westlands. Knowing very well that they can’t get jiggy in the clubs (Not that they haven’t tried it) the good drunk Westlands party goers have now converted their cars and parking lots into their private dirty rooms. Occasionally,you’ll see them drag each other into their cars at the parking lot. You might think they’re going to collect a charger or power bank. You’re wrong. They’ve gone for a quickie. Give them a few minutes and you’ll see the car bobbing up and down,and, looking closely, you’ll see the girls legs hanging in the air,and the guy pounding it harder than a KNEC exam leakage. And then they’ll get up,pull up their pants and hotter back to the club. Only in Westlands.

Shisha Shisha Shisha

No other constituency of revelers love smoking shisha as much as the guys in Westie do. Walk into any club in any part of Westie and you’ll see bongs and bongs of shisha allover the place. From the entrance to the toilets. Everyday is a shisha festival in Westie. Damn smokers!

Mathaphuckin’ Hot Mamas! 

Wanna see the hottest bitches? Wanna see the sexiest thighs? Wanna see the most beautiful damsels? Wanna see the most gorgeous smiles? Well… You know where to go. It’s a hotbed of sexiness. Ah,Westlands.

Early Retirement 

Unlike in some clubs,where guys can stay all night and even see the sun come up while STILL in the clubs,in Westie, people retire early. Mostly because they’re actually busy people who have a life and who value their lives and won’t be caught dead partying themselves silly into 5.30am in the morning. Most of the people here leave the club as early as 2am. Or 3am. Unlike most of us, these are busy people who have an early morning. And sleep means a lot to them. A lot.

And there you have it, that’s how our good people over in Westlands do their thing. They party hard and party mercilessly. And left to their own devices,they can pull a Lamar Odom on you. They’re party diehards. And absolutely unapologetic about it.

TOMORROW : HOW THE PEOPLE IN NAIROBI’S CBD PARTY.