Now That She Is Bob Collymore’s Wife,Here Are 6 Things That Wambui Kamiru MUST STOP Doing Immediately! Because Her Life Has Changed.

Getting married to a VIP is not an everyday occurrence. Or a walk in the park,for that matter. Besides the perks that come with it,the endless media scrutiny and incessant social media mentions,a matrimonial union with a VIP,who earns some pretty millions and hobnobs with The President,has it’s own share of challenges.

And exclusive advantages.

For starters,he’s a multi-millionaire. He calls Uhuru Kenyatta his buddy. He wines and dines at the finest eateries in town. He can whisk you off for a quickie holiday ANY DAY of the Year. And in a chartered chopper no less.

His idea of a normal weekend is what all the rest of us call the weekend of our lifetime. And you need not worry,your kids will not be trekking lengthy routes to school with a heavy bag unproportionally hung over their languid shoulders.

The minute the deadlocked Wambui Kamiru said ‘I Do’ to the Safaricom Boss Bob Collymore,her life changed precipitously.

No one’s got better bragging rights in his City. Locking down the President of one of Africa’s most fabled and dizzyingly successful brands is not like snapping a stick of sugarcane. It took work. And Indian-goddess type of luck.

And because that happened. Many other things MUST HAPPEN too.

And so,here are 7 Things That Mrs. Collymore MUST STOP doing now that she’s snapped up the man we all wanted to get married to. But were too broke to. Lol.

1. STOP Using A Twin-Sim Phone 
Yeah,that one has to go. For real. What you need a Twin Sim Phone for? What you gone put in the other slot? Another network’s Sim card? No f**kin way! The ONLY sim card that is eligible for use in that house is the good old green sim card. Not any other. Unlike the rest of us,Wambui therefore does not need a twin sim mobile phone. As for us,we need it either because we are criminals,or we’re too broke,or love to curve our exes,or love to shift to some friendly night-shift tariffs. Or for whatever stupid reason. But those are the sort of struggles Mrs. Collymore doesn’t need to go through anymore. You’ve been married to a fortune. Act like one. No twin sims under the pricey Collymore roof. You only needed one card baby. And you got it. End of story.

2. STOP The Whole Okoa Jahazi /M-Shwari Hassle 
This is the hassle we,ordinary Kenyans,know all too well. Man,the struggle. I’ve pressed the Okoa Jahazi button more times this month already than I have gone to the loo. Millions of Kenyans are very acquainted with that life-saving button *131#. We’ve all pressed that one a million times. And sometimes,we are so deep in poverty,so deep in arrears and old debts,so deep in defaults that the most we can Okoa is as little as Ksh. 5. If you ever got to a place where Safaricom could ONLY loan you Ksh. 5,please know that you made it. And survived a dark phase in your life. I know I have been there. Don’t even get me started on M-Shwari. I currently cannot even pass the Ksh. 800 loan limit. Haha. But anyway,those are the sort of hassles Wambui will NOT need to go through any more now. I mean,you live with the guy who invented M-Shwari. You don’t even need the App anymore. Need anything? Ask hubby. He’s right beside you. The mkopo struggles are gone. For good. Hail a good marriage!

3. STOP Calling 100- And Getting Mad At Them. 
We’ve all called the dreaded Customer Care number 100. And we all know how it goes from there. You sit there,listen to a gazillion adverts blazing through your ears for eternity,and then you have to press some buttons and more buttons and more buttons. And then you have to wait for some guy to pick up your call. And then you have to wait for the ‘Customer Care’ to talk to you. And then the have to be reminded that the call might take longer than you have time for. And then you have to be told that the call will be recorded for quality purposes. And then some more adverts. And then you will have to wait longer because you’re not the only Kenyan calling 100. And six hours later, you are outside the Safaricom Center in Westlands. Mad as hell. Haha. Wambui has been saved from all that hassle now. She dont need to call no Customer Care. Got a technical problem? Ask hubby in the evening. He will solve it for you while you’re chopping onions. Or atleast his boys will.  Awwww.

(CONTINUED…)

4. STOP Hearing The ‘Uko na ID’ Nonsense At M-PESA Shops 
Nothing sucks like that sleepy ka-skinny girl at some deserted M-PESA shop asking you, ‘Uko na ID’?’. It just sucks. Big time. Sometimes you’re just too in a hurry to start fishing for your ID while,in most cases,it’s buried underneath some other 26 business cards that you will never need anyway. Sometimes you just feel like you’ve been frequenting that shop too much to still have to produce an ID. And sometimes you just innocently left your ID in the house. Or in the car. Or you just don’t have it. But you’re a law-abiding Citizen. And then you’re hit with the ‘Uko na ID’ Nonsense. And you’re thinking, ‘Crap! I don’t have it! I am whom I am!’. Anyway,those are the kind of questions Wambui has dodged. For the rest of her life. You don’t ask Wambui kama ako na ID. Heck,Mzee ndiye ID. Go figure,B*itch!

5. STOP Receiving The ‘Dear Customer’ Text 
Don’t we all hate that text!? It starts so sweetly, ‘Dear Customer’. And then it escalates quickly to stuff like, ‘Your Data Bundle Is Below 2MB‘ or stuff like, ‘You Have Insufficient Balance’. Now, those are the sort of texts Wambui will have to never receive. Ever again. If there’s any text from Safaricom to Wambui,it better start with something like, ‘Bae, ready for dinner at Kempinski yet?’ Wambui will not need to be reminded that her data balance is running out. Mzee will be bringing home a packet of data bundles every evening. Along with meat,maziwa na mkate ya kesho. And if her data runs out anyway,she can always directly call the ka-girl who sends these ‘Dear Customer’ texts and tell her, ‘Yo,ni Mama wa Nyumba… Weka data ya miezi Sita…’ and it’s done. Wewe jaribu hivo uone.

6. And Finally, STOP Struggling For That Selfie 
As late as January 2016,Wambui Kamiru would be loudly lamenting on Twitter how the ‘struggle for a selfie with Bob Collymore shall continue to be real’. Well, not anymore. Now you can not only take a selfie wit the man, but all sort and manner of photos. From all angles. Any day,and time. Now you can even take a selfie with his whole clan from Guyana. You can take a selfie while he’s asleep. You can take a kitchen selfie and a garden selfie. You can even include the cats and the white Japanese dogs in the selfie too. Heck, you can even hire out the whole Karen Gardens just to take a selfie. If interested,you can even fly in Kim Kardashian’s selfie instructor Nick Saglimbeni to take you through a two-week crash course on selfie-taking with the man of your dreams. Take all the selfies you can,Ma’am. He’s all yours now. One selfie at a time.

And that’s how the lovely couple lived happily ever after…