My Dramatic Thika Road Arrest By The NTSA,My Night At Muthaiga Cells And How I Lost Ksh. 30,000 In One Night! Crazy!

Since it’s inauguration,the NTSA,a body that is supposed to be restoring sanity and halving the rate of accidents on our roads,has been met with massive controversy,resistance and bile.

Despite the fact that they are supposed to be helping us,motorists,keep ourselves safe and alive,helping us get home in our piece and avoid runaway road incidences,these chaps have met very little love or welcoming from the very people they purport to protect and police.

On an unnamed date in December 2015,I was leaving The Space Lounge,Ngong Road for home. It was around 2.15am and the roads were sort of clear. The Space Lounge is located just across the road from the famous Nakumatt Prestige,a place that always buzzes loud,teeming with hundreds of moneyed party-lovers.

As I was reversing my car,trying to find a way I could safely join the main road,with my car tucked between two other cars,in a field littered with hundreds of other cars,and a parking resembling that of a Sports Arena,some driver ahead of me told me ‘Na uchunge NTSA… nimesikia wako hapa chini kidogo…’

I didn’t know this driver who was suddenly alerting me on how to avoid late night trouble. He seemed – and sounded -somewhat drunk himself,slurring his way through the camaraderie,pausing to blink and negotiate a hiccup,picking his breath up to,matter-of-factly,advise me on what roads to use to safely home.

I wasn’t that drunk myself. Admittedly,I had drowned 5 Tuskers which is the limit of the alcohol I usually take almost every weekend. Sometimes I blow as many as 6 or 7 bottles… Depending on what’s the date,how close to home am I,who’s buying and my general mood.

I’ve been able to perfectly drive my car home (I live along Kamiti Road,past Roysambu) and never have I ever been in any drink-related incident. Either caused by myself or the other driver. I use Thika Road to get home… And by 3pm,which is the time I normally start the drive home,Thika Road is usually a driver’s mecca; no cars,no traffic,no obstruction,no boda bodas,no lawless Githurai minibuses and no silly,flyover – ignoring pedestrians. Driving along Thika Road at night is a pure,orgasmic pleasure.

In less than 12 minutes,you’re safely in your house. In one piece. Fit and safe.

And after taking into consideration this driver’s advice,I dodged Ngong Road in its entirety and used a network of these other confusing roads that ultimately lead me to state house road before I showed up at the UoN roundabout and then took the road to Westlands and then joined Forest Road before I showed up on Thika Road finally. It was a tricky,confusing mesh of roads all in a bid to avoid being nabbed by the over-ambitious NTSA Askaris who,it would later appear,reserve very little patience for any nocturnal driver no matter how minimally drunk they are.

The roads I used also were lonely,deserted roads… Dark roads that,for all I know,would be harboring Highway Robbers and carjackers and what have you. But I made it to Thika Road safe…. It’s now 3.05am.

I was driving perfectly,happy that I had escaped the horrific NTSA sheriffs until I saw drama a kilometer or so past Muthaiga. I saw cars stop abruptly, others cars skid across the road,others apply emergency brakes and others swerving and doing an almost 360° turn,the wheels screeching hard and the scene starting to look like a Fast and Furious behind the scenes tape.

Some other driver,clutching hard onto his Mazda Sport’s steering wheel,yelled at me ‘NTSA’.

I was horrified and quickly applied my brakes… The mention of NTSA to any driver, whether innocent or not,is like the mention of Islamists in a racially-charged Donald Trump rally. It’s terror.

Quickly,a pool of suddenly stopped cars started building up… We all started pondering our next moves,started making frantic phone calls and considering making the dreaded U-Turn,drive along the wrong Lane and join Kiambu Road.

Unfortunately for us,we saw flash lights blinking furiously behind us… The red and blue lights,dancing their way along the road,came closer and closer. I checked. It was a Police Van. There was an approaching police van. We were all in trouble.

Quickly,everyone started their car,pressed on the accelerator hard and drove down like maniacs.

I don’t have the machismo that drives people to drive past the police like frenzied maniacs,cutting through the metal rails and driving down fast. I also don’t have the insane courage to jump off a moving vehicle and leave it running. Neither do I have the driving wizardry that’s so effective,I can avoid getting nabbed.

I normally tend to obey the police when they flag me. And after they flashed the torch towards me,flicking it up and down,I knew I had to stop. And stop I did…

Many other cars stopped behind me too. I had managed to evade the NTSA stationed alongside Ngong Road. But I wasn’t too lucky running away from the cold-hearted Thika Road sherrifs.

Some chaps walked over to me,shoving that Alco blow detector thing to my face. Without saying a word,I was expected to blow into it. I found it rather rude,prudish and uncourteous. For the love of God,I am a law-abiding citizen. Not some Guantanamo Bay escapee.

I am a Kenyan. A civil Kenyan who’ve just left the club and is civilly driving home to sleep. I wasn’t some rascal up to no good. I wasn’t some hardened criminal on my way to commit some major heist. I wasn’t OJ Simpson driving down in a white Bronco. I was a harmless little Kenyan. Driving to MY house to sleep. That’s all.

But these people treated me like some type of Nigerian criminal fugitive. I was surrounded by a gang of NTSA Chiefs,yelled at and hollered at,ordered to surrender my car keys,my license,my dignity and step the fuck out.

‘Leta funguo! Leta funguo kijana. Toka nje.. Toka… Toka nje…. ‘some female official yelled at me,forcefully opening my car door.

I was yanked out and asked to breathe into the stinking breathalyzer. I found it unhealthy and disgusting. I was sober and alert and sturdy. I wasn’t wobbling,wasn’t slurring my speech,wasn’t staggering,wasn’t sleepy eyed.

I flatly REFUSED to breathe into the breathalyzer.

‘Puliza hii kitu Kijana… Hio ni sheria… ‘

I refused. I complained about the way I was being treated,complained about the manner in which I was being handled,complained about the health risks of having to put my mouth where hundreds of other strange people had just put their dirty mouths and many other things.

I was immediately deemed a criminal. A terror to the state. And a danger to myself and the universe.

‘Just be kind. Handle me kindly. Be nice… Mbona mko hivo? Be kind! Be polite! I am NOT a criminal!’ I protested.

Quickly,I saw someone jump into my car,start it and drive away. As I watched. No one told me where he took my car. I wasn’t alerted about the progress of the developments. I just saw my car being driven away. At 3.45am in the morning. By some guy I didn’t know.

I had always used Thika Road after every night out. And I’ve always found myself home. In one piece. But that didn’t matter.

Behind me,cars were building up… Prados,Range Rovers,Toyota 110s,Mazdas,Nissan,Subarus,Hondas.

Drivers were being ejected from their cars,startled to reality,shocked out of their skin and their car keys yanked from their hands.

It was a stupid dramatic scene full of senselessness and raw emotions. Outbursts and scuffles. Drama and dangerous,daring escapes. It was hell.

NTSA was wrecking pure havoc,terrorizing hapless drivers,causing panic across the road,causing scared,dangerous escapes and generally harassing motorists in a way I had never seen.

I was quickly ushered into a waiting land Rover. Hauled into it like a sack of potatoes and,together with tens of other drivers,driven to Muthaiga Police station.

We were all poured out. And locked up. Just like that! Just like that man!

I had to part with Ksh. 30,000 following day morning to regain my freedom.

First,I had to pay some exorbitant Towing company some Ksh. 10,000 for the stupid services of ‘towing my car from Thika road to t=Thika Road’

And then I paid some Ksh. 20,000 for the Court blah blah blah.

At the Traffic Headquarters at Survey,Thika Road,it was pure chaos. Crowds of people who had gathered to come bail out their relatives were causing a scene – yelling at the cops,screaming at the authorities,decrying the system,lashing out at everyone and almost starting fights. Things got so bad the office was closed and guns cocked. Kenyans almost started a massive root INSIDE a goddam Police Station.

NTSA,You have moved from a body that wants to sincerely eradicate drunk-driving incidences to a feral,evil body that wants to terrorize,instill fear,destabilize and scare away drivers with pure heartlessness and unbridled savagery.

You have transformed into a bloody scary outfit,an organization of terror and destruction,a body that is now becoming responsible for most of the stupid accidents that are now happening at night.

At the NTSA’s watch,businesses are getting hurt,drivers are driving to their deaths,cars are being destroyed, accidents are happening,terror is reigning supreme,massive amounts of money is being lost and a dangerous,road revolution is about to happen.

NTSA must learn that NOT every driver driving past 12am is drunk as a lord. Or even drunk at all. Not every driver cannot get themselves home safe. Not every driver is careless behind the wheel and that they cannot be allowed to continue harassing motorists,scaring off drivers,turning our roads into traps of death and becoming the villainous gods of night movement.

This STUPIDITY MUST STOP!

NTSA is quickly moving from ‘Hero’ to “Villain” fast.

NTSA must overhaul their whole approach to late night motorists. And stop the cold,ferocious approach. This is NOT Saudi Arabia. Learn some manners,folks.

You’re now becoming a cancer. You’ve now gone rogue.