MONEY DRAMA : This Is What Happens When The Sons Of Kenyatta,Ruto And Raila Invade A Club Ready To Spend Ksh. 1 Million Shillings On Champagne,Shisha And Bowls Of Chicken

While you and your friends and your office colleagues and your neighbours and family are busy trying to organize a verandah harambee to raise two thousand shillings to buy a Smirnoff Vodka mzinga,almost coming to blows and kicks over your bitter disagreements over who should contribute how much and why,there are some rich kids across town who simply saunter into the nearest high-end nightclub ready to splash as much as a million shillings on two packets of cigarettes,couple bottles of water and bottles of Champagne. Without a fight.

Kenyans love indulging. Badly. We’re hopeless party animals who,the funny adage goes,will find the flimsiest reason to drink. And when we actually start drinking – it’s a whole affair that doesn’t end within a few hours. We are known to drink ourselves silly to the wee hours of the morning,driving home like zombies,with the NTSA cornering us on every bend.

And then the trend is repeated next weekend. And the next and the next. Until we die of old age and hopelessness and irremediable excessiveness.

But there are many versions of partying – there’s the type that will buy the cheapest liquor and blast through it like witches,ending up so terribly drunk,they cannot walk or talk or stand straight. Heck,they even lose their eyesight.

And then there’s the type that will club themselves sore until they are thrown out of the club for a various reasons – for starting a messy fight,for dancing on the table,for groping the fat girl on the dance floor etc etc.

And finally,we have the esteemed type that sits at the VIP section of a luxurious club,sipping imported Champagne all night,nodding their heads to cool music and burying their eyes in their smartphones till 3am in the morning.

I’m talking of the sons of Uhuru Kenyatta,Raila Odinga and William Ruto… I’m talking of the scions of the Royal Families.

And this is how a typical night out involving the rich kids of Nairobi’s political supremos looks like.

Step One : The Call 
Unlike we,the kawaida humans,who use a ratchet WhatsApp group to mobilize for a night of indulgence,these super rich kids don’t text each other stuff like ” Aje Aje leo?? ” or “Maboyz leo tunakunywa wapi? Na niko chini kiasi”. That’s regular BS done he regular jamaaz in regular neighborhoods. These kids believe that time is money. And that’s why calling is much easier and better. Muhoho Kenyatta will call Raila Odinga Junior and ask him where he is. ROJ (Raila Odinga Junior) will not pick the phone at first. Rich kids are not always around their phones like these Kenyatta University girls. But he’ll pick at the second time. He’ll be asked where is na mbona amenyamaza. And some other suchlike stuff. They’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. And then he’ll be asked “Leo uko wapi? Si ukuje hapa Riverside tuongee biashara ” Well,” Tuongee Biashara “ is a rich man’s way of saying ‘Kuja tuchafue’ . ROJ will say ni sawa sawa. And ask tukutane saa ngapi. During that phone call, it will be decided that Ruto’s son should be invited too. ‘Na leo abebe pesa’. And then another laughter. And then the call is over.

Step Two : Make A Reservation
The one who can best make a reservation in the club is definitely Muhoho Kenyatta. He’s the original party animal and he’s made a billion reservations for the last two weeks already. Plus he’s more powerful. Muhoho will try to ask his assistant Joe to make a call to tha club and make a reservation for like 20 people. Among them the son of the President and Opposition Leader. The girl at the reception will think it’s a prank. Until Muhoho himself gets on the phone. “Hi,It’s Muhoho… Muhoho Kenyatta… Can we please get a reservation for twenty at your club? VIP section please? Thank you… Thank you…”. Quickly,the jamaaz at Kiza lounge will fall over themselves trying to run around and make a reservation. The whole staff at the club will be told that the son of Uhuru Kenyatta is coming. Everyone is now freaking out. Even the dumbest employee,Frida, is excited. And Marto is almost peeing himself. Cate makes sure that she must charge her phone in case there will be a selfie moment with the younger Kenyatta. And the VIP section is swept clean. Ready for Royalty. Ruth or Ka-ruthu as she’s popularly known as here will be sent over to buy some more air freshener. And red candles. Even the DJ has lost his mind.

Step Three : Preparations 
Muhoho Kenyatta is not married. And doesn’t seem like he will ever be married during our lifetime. So he doesn’t need to tell his wife that he’s going out with the boys. And give her ten reasons why he can’t just stay at home and re-watch a silly movie. Wives can be a piece of shit. Luckily he’s single and powerful. The other rich kids are probably married. And they’ll probably tell Mama watoto that they’ll be rushing for some ‘mkutano’ hapa Spring Valley. Wife won’t ask too many questions. She’s lucky to be married to that home. So she just agrees and continues watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. ROJ gets ready,grabs his wallet,confirms it still has his credit cards and ATMs and what have you. Sprinkles some Ambre Topkapi cologne across his neck,grabs his Giorgio Armani shoes,slips into them and then hugs his Mama kwaheri. This is gonna be a long night. Same thing happens with Muhoho and Ruto Junior. Except that Muhoho doesn’t have to hug anyone kwaheri. And that Muhoho has carried a little more credit cards, ATMs and hard cash than the other two boys. And then Muhoho summons his driver Ngotho who comes rubbing like an adolescent goat. “Twende Kiza Lounge… Galana Place. Unaijua?” Ngotho doesn’t know the club. But he dare NOT say he doesn’t know it. He just whispers a soft “Naijua” starts the Mercedes Benz and hopes that Google Maps will not let him down today.

Step Four : Arrival At Tha Club 
When ballers show up at the club,things have to change. Pretty fast. The bouncers stand still, like a box of dry chocolates, almost giving the salute to these gentlemen. And unlike you and your gang of losers,whose budget doesn’t exceed three thousand shillings per weekend,these men will NOT be frisked and searched and groped by the mannerless bouncers. They are simply ushered up the stairs. With Bouncer Otieno even bowing down in reverence. Everyone is so fuckin scared and polite. Muhoho is the first to step into the club. And Raila Junior is next followed by Ruto Junior and their other gang of rich moguls. Their posse is so huge it looks like the Chinese Government delegation to Taiwan. Every staff around the club is freaking out and running around and pensive. The rich kids invade the VIP section. And it’s commotion allover. Club manager runs over to the table to try and take their orders. And also asking them kama wako sawa. There is like six pretty little waitresses lined up to serve this huge gang of wealth. And all of them look like they want to fart. Cate actually looks like she needs to diarrhea. “Waulize watakunywa nini! Na tafathali mtu akitumwa kitu anakimbia” the manager whispers to them. And then enters the gents. Everyone is peeing here. Muhoho whips out his swanky iPhone 6. He needs to call and invite a few more people. And by people I mean girls. You bastard. Ruto Junior is yawning. “Tukuleni kwanza. Ama namna gani?” he suggests. Team agrees. Time to make orders now. Unfortunately,unlike in Kabarnet,clubs don’t stock Mursik here.

Step Five : Making Orders
The process of making orders takes half an hour. Unlike you and your kikosi cha maskini, who only make an order that will last the whole night within four minutes,these rich kids take a whole half and hour to spell out their order. I mean,they’re like twenty people all of whom need different things some of which are not even present in that particular club and have to be sourced elsewhere. Someone mentions Moet and Chandon. Another person wants three bottles of Laurent Perrier Jeroboam. Some lightskinned girl with wavy Peruvian hair and gold jewelry across her neck wants six bottles of Krug Grande Cuvee. Muhoho needs a packet of cigarettes first. Ruto Junior wants two bottles of Dom Ruinart Rose and a bottle of Tsarine Premium Cuvee. Chicken has been ordered too. All manner of chicken… Tikka,milanese,chicken broth with tortellini,chilli,spicy,paella,roast.

Step Six : Let The Party Begin! 
After all manner of Champagne has been placed on the table,by the little starstruck waitresses whose hands have been trembling the whole time,it’s time to now pop Champagne. That’s a process that you and your gang of slaves cannot understand. Because the only time you pop at your cheap parties is when you pop up into the room. Dragging along a Mzinga that is so heavy and yet it cost less than nine hundred shillings. Well,the sons of the rich love to pop champagne. Just like Drake and Jay Z and Kobe Bryant and Charlie Sheen. Popping Champagne takes a whole ten minutes. Raila Junior is the one doing the Champagne popping. The sweet,expensive shit is then splashed around the place,cascading graciously over the faces and shoulders of the entourage. There’s a lot of clapping and cheering and photo moments. The tu-waitresses are still standing around but at some decent distance,their eyes transfixed on the table like possessed teenage witches in Kilifi. Everyone is laughing out loud. More and more bottles are placed immaculately across the table. Muhoho even has his own special glass that he carried from home. A glass that cost more than your annual budget for 2016. The DJ is so confused he doesn’t know what music to play for these emerald-clad royal kids. Do they like Bongo? Naija? US Hip Hop and R&B? Pop? Kwaito? Bahati? Diamond? DJ keeps playing with his fingers. He’s not sure they like the South African crap he’s current playing. Raila Junior is trying to propose a toast. To the Empire. The only toast you know is toast mayai at Mama Caro’s kiosk. My condolences.

Step Seven : Let’s Get Dooooowwwwn!!!! 
Rich kids have been fed. They’ve eaten some of the best meals the Club’s restaurat can offer. Muhoho is now proposing a toast to success and good health and friendship. Champagne glasses are raised in the air. Not your kawaida glasses. Thee are pricey swarovski glasses that cost as much as your  uncle’s little blue car. Glasses are now clinking above the table. ‘To the Empire…’ Muhoho says,mimicking the widely-popular ABC drama,Empire. Everyone laughs. More champagne is ordered around. More is poured into glasses. Donald B. Kipkorir,a social media-savvy lawyer and friend of the Deputy President is texting Ruto Junior asking him leo ako wapi. Mr. Donald is known to splash real money at real venues. And to furnish social media with the details of it all- And the receipts too for good measure. The night is becoming tooo damn sweet. The DJ is now playing soft house music. And some random EDM too. The VIP section is buzzin with life,the table is way too crowded with all manner of expensive drinks,there are blue and neon lights dazzling beautifully above Raila Junior’s head. There are six Caucasian girls around the table who have been smoking since 8pm. Nairobi Senator Mike Sonko calls Muhoho. Asks him whether There is room for ten more people at B-Club. Muhoho says Yaaaaas there is. Mike Freakin’ Sonko is coming over. This night will never be forgotten. Ever. More drinks please….

TO BE CONTINUED…..