How To Successfully Assasinate Your Political Enemies…And Leave No Blood Behind. (Four Easy Steps)

Since Independence,Kenya’s brutal ruling elite have maintained one archaic way of dealing with their political enemies ; commissioning their abduction and subsequent murder in cold blood– and then interfering with the investigations into the suspicious death.

Cowardly and guilty,top Government bad boys have not moved on from the barbarous Post-Independence mentality of using brutal force and crude weapons to silence their detractors and also cover up their sins.

This trend saw the dramatic execution of Tom Mboya in broad daylight along a City Street. And later,the mysterious murders of political stars JM Kariuki,Robert Ouko, Pio Gama Pinto and many others by the Government of the day,the investigations into which have,to this date,many decades later,remained inconclusive.

The majority of the Kenyan populace,however,remains unperturbed by the murders and prefers to carry on with their daily activities,less concerned with the growing brutality of Government serpents.

Therefore,the killers,most of whom still hold prestigious Government positions to date,remain at large and find even more impetus to continue with their cold-blooded murderous streak.

But there must be better ways of silencing your detractors. There surely must be a less bloody way of dealing with your political foes and threats. And we shall try to check out at least five of them.

Assassination does Not necessarily mean KILLING your opponent. It might also mean silencing them. Or making them not come for you any more. Well,if they’re such a nag,here’s then,how to ‘assassinate’ them.

1. Sue Them
Want to carry out a spectacular assassination? How about you forget the guns,forget the hitman and try suing the guy. Take,for instance,Jacob Juma. Some Government guy must have felt aggrieved and endangered by Juma’s constant and audacious expose of his corruption cases and wanton grabbing of public property. It’s simple. Take the guy to Court. Sue him and his teeth. Make him sweat it out in Court proving to the public that his tweets and blog posts are accurate. Make them account for their sentiments. Simple. The trick has worked before. With Robert Alai and many other bloggers. Locally and internationally. It shouldn’t fail to work for you too. Try it sometimes.

2. Be Scrupulous
To avoid a commotion with whistle-blowers,shouldn’t you start by being accountable? Shouldn’t you start by practicing integrity? Being transparent? And carrying out your public duties with utmost truth and honesty? It shouldn’t be a very tough thing for you to do. Unfortunately,you won’t do it. Because,Kenya. You want to keep robbing the masses. You want to keep grabbing land. You want to keep swindling funds. You want to keep embezzling public accounts. And then you don’t want to be called out. To be aired out and to be exposed for the treacherous pig you are. Beats logic. If you did the right thing,if you followed procedure,and if you weren’t the greedy warthog you are, you wouldn’t need to have goons waylay your detractors to pull a gun on them.

3. Be smart
Wanna keep up a lifestyle of grabbing and stealing and embezzlement? Why not! Nigeria seems to be doing pretty amazing as the Corruption capital of the World. No reason why you cannot follow suit. Be please, would you kindly steal in peace? And like a pro? Want to grab parcels of land? Want to divert a couple millions to your personal account? For the love of God,go ahead. But be smart about it. Stealing NYS billions in one afternoon is not very smart. You will be caught anyway. We will blog about you anyway. And then you’ll have to go looking for assassins. Stupid move. Steal all you want. But don’t be a bastard about it. We’ll still bust your dirty little ass. And,for goodness sake,let hairdressers remain in the hairdressing business. There must be smarter people to stash your millions for you. Seriously.

4. Own Up
Caught up in a Scandal? Well,own up. Don’t kill the blogger who published your mess. Just own up. Accept that you erred,accept that you stole,accept that you acted greedily, accept that your office is culpable and accept that you have a case to answer. Call a little press conference and eat shit. Happens all the time. You might be expected to go to jail after that. And to return all you stole from the public. You might even lose your job. Most definitely. But you won’t be the first. It happened in China with evil billionaire Liu Han. And in Iran with dirty tycoon Babak Zanjani. And elsewhere across the world with countless former rulers and leaders. You might as well face the same fate,little rat.

But obviously,these steps sound totally alien to the average Kenyan politician and businessman who,in a bid to enrich himself even further and plunge the Country to an even deeper crisis,will stop at nothing when it comes to contracting a killer and commissioning them to finish off their opponent.

It’s even sadder that Kenyans won’t care less. They’re too busy getting screwed up,paying exorbitant rents,dealing with massive taxes and generally losing in life to care and to agitate for transparency.

And may the bloody killings keep coming. And the inconsistent police reports about the deaths. Looks like it’s the one thing we truly excel at.

Except, of course,at trashing articles like these.

Rest In Peace,Jacob Juma.