How I Went Clubbing In Westlands With Bayern Munich Coach Pep Guardiola And Big Booty Girls

As you all know, Bayern Munich coach Pep Guardiola was in the country from last week up to until a day ago. For all you soccer haters, this guys Pep is the best and most sought after coach in the world at the moment. Let that sink in for moment. Since fate favours me so much, i got to party with the tiki taka specialist in Westlands. The night turned out to be one of my finest moments in life.

I first met Pep on Saturday at Karen Golf Club. I actually had no idea he would be there. I had been invited to play golf by one Mr.Olusa, a manager at Kengen. He’s a big fan of my work and he calls me from time to time. He even insists i should date and eventually marry his daughter. He’s the second person to offer their daughter to me after the mama i wrote about here. I guess i am husband material. Haha. The only problem is that his daughter is in a serious relationship with one popular musician here in Kenya. Mr. Olusa doesn’t approve of his daughter’s relationship so he wants me to use my ‘Sheriffic’ charms to steal her from the guy. He’s really serious about it but i hate fighting over girls so i am still thinking about it.

Anyway, so i availed myself at Karen Golf Club looking like Tiger Woods in his heyday. I was wearing a cap (i hate caps) and ridiculous shoes. One couldn’t tell that i am very poor at the sport. In fact the ball always gets lost in the woods every time i knock it.

Before we even began, i noticed that everyone was running towards one direction and requesting a bald mzungu guy for selfies. It was the bavarian hero himself Mr. Guardiola. Unbelievable

Being a staunch soccer fan myself, glee took over my senses, making me dash towards the man in order to join the growing groupie bandwagon. We ended up taking a few group selfies before security guards requested us to let the man enjoy his golf.

I re-joined Mr.Olusa in the golf game. He hadn’t even bothered to take a pic with the Bayern Munich coach. I was soon to find out why

“He’ll be at Capital Club in Westlands tonight. I have VIP access. Wanna come over and party with the big boys?” my future potential father-in-law said.

This was magical. I was in

For the rest of the afternoon, we sank our teeth in some meaty dialogue while chewing up on as much of the golf course scenery as possible.

After swinging our hands to tedium, we left to prepare for the night

“Nipigie ukifika hapo nje ya Capital Club. I’ll get you in. Be there early young man”, Mr. Olusa reminded me as he got into his Cardillac and drove off

Time flew by quickly. By 8 pm i was outside Capital Club.Mr. Olusa came out holding a white woman by the waist. And the man is married. Oh dear.

He whispered a few words to the security guys who gladly allowed me to enter. It was a dope affair. Wealthy people from all races were cuddling and mingling. Guardiola was already in the house, laughing out loud and socializing with everyone.

I had to talk to my footballing idol. I approached him.

“Hello Mr.Guardialo, i am Philip, a big fan” i said

“Well….hello zea young man?”, he responded in kind with a thick spanish accent.

I wanted to engage him in deep soccer banter but just as i was about to start telling him why Douglas Costa is better than Robben, two hot girls approached us. One of them grabbed my arm as id it belong to her and held on to it. Maybe she thought i was his P.A or something.

“We love you Pep” gushed her creepy friend. They were in love with him. He was just a nerdy tactician on holiday and these two girls whose collective breasts weigh more than me were staring at him rapt and yearning for his attention.

Unfortunately, Mr.Pep had many admirers and we were soon ousted by another group of selfie crazed Indian girls. I was left with the two ladies, whose focus had now shifted to me. They still thought i had some form of association with the coach. Maybe it was the Daniel Craig–like suit i was wearing.

I am not always a schemer when dealing with women. I try to be honest as much as possible but these two chics seemed gullible enough to be manipulated so i played along. After all, both of them had booties to behold. If that wasn’t incentive enough, then i don’t know what incentive is. And If everything went well, i would chipo one of them – or both

As the taller, stoop-shouldered girl who claimed to be a model pawed at my shirt, I saw a mane of bleached-blonde hair sticking up out of the crowd. I looked closer. Though she was on the other side of the venue, she seemed to glow. Her jaw was set, her face was chiseled, her eyes smoldered beneath a half-shell of heavy blue eye shadow. She was hispanic.

The mighty Etemesi never falls in love at first sight but this time it was different.   Suddenly, the two girls I had been talking to seemed insignificant. She dwarfed them with her style and poise

There was just but one problem

And that problem still exists until now. The problem is that none of the events above are actually true and i am just fantasizing about all this here at my seat at the office. Shiet!!!!