GROOVE AWARDS 2016: And Now,Here Was The Woman Of The Night,The Man Of The Night,The Performance Of The Night,The Speech Of The Night….Everything You Need To Know.

The annual Groove Awards went down last evening with much pomp and flair,with celebrities from across the musical divide converging at the Safaricom Indoors Arena Kasarani to watch some of Gospel music’s brightest stars get crowned and awarded in what proved to be one of the most spectacular shows in the 2016 events calendar.

Gates were open from as early as 2pm and by 3.30pm,a huge traffic snarl-up had already started building up along the roads leading into the stadium. Besides the road,throngs of young people could be seen walking into the stadium; chatting,hand-in-hand,lively and dressed to the nines.

Security was tighter than a peasant’s monthly budget with teams of security man,dogs on the leash,manning the gates,frisking the attendees,searching cars and ensuring that we all had tickets.

I had a Tusker Beer can. Half full.

”Huwezi ingia huku na hio tafathali boss… ” some female security guard says. I try to protest. And ask her to allow me to hide it and sneak it in… Only that I cannot walk into the auditorium with it.

”Hapana… ” she insists I have to drown it all. In one flash. Come on man.

I do as necessary…. And soon we are in.

Packing is not a nightmare as I had expected. It’s a huge parking lot. But still,there’s hundreds of cars already scattered across the parking lot.

Swanky cars. Sports cars. Classy cars. Fast cars. Pricey cars. Gorgeous cars.

I have VIP tickets – but of course. And the line leading into the VIP gate is a little long. We wait. And soon,we are ushered in.

Inside the auditorium,the show is going down already. The crowd isn’t as huge as I had expected. But the place soon fills up and all the chairs taken up. It’s a little early still,I guess.

Girls are looking like something that dropped from heaven- the hair,the flowing gowns,the perfect makeup,the glorious colognes wafting through the air,the exquisite jewelry,the swanky shoes,the glitz,the perfect glamor.

The stage is alight… It’s a powerful stage,a total visual spectacle with bright lights and synchronized glowing patterns dazzling across the place,huge speakers hanging from the roof and an exhilarating band that could put The Rolling Stones to shame.

There’s a spine-tingling dance group breaking serious sweat on the stage. The crowds are roaring wild. And then Size 8 joins the dance group and immediately launches into her latest hit Ni Yesu.

Crowd ruptures.

Size 8 is the host of the night. Together with DJ Soxxy of Citizen TV (I guess) and the impossibly hilarious Dr. Ofweneke.

Jaymo Yule Msee is among the first presenters of the night presenting the Award for some category that is as unmemorable as a Presidential speech on a National holiday.

His attempts to crack a joke don’t work out either.

Emmy Kosgei is in town and she presents the Award for Radio Presenter of the Year which goes to,for the sixth damn year in a muthafuckin’ row,Eva Mwalili of Milele FM.

Lord. I’ve never even tuned in to that show once in my life. For those last six years.

Winners of the Male artiste and the Female artiste of the Year Award,L Jay Maasai and the angelic Mercy Masika

But she seems like a nice lady who goes on to thank the whole world,everyone she knows and the people she’ll meet in the future. She even prays and attempts to convert the moment into a praise and worship marathon.

Adawnage are here!!!! I LOOOOOVE ADAWNAGE and their new song I Live for You. Their performance is rousing.

Soon enough,they’re done and Eko Dydda walks in. To totally own the stage. And set the place on fire. Jeeeeezus!

Alot happens. Including a performance from Eunice Njeri,that sweetheart and an electrifying number from Pitson.

So HERE IS A BREAKDOWN OF THE GROOVE PARTY.. As I saw it

1. Performance of the Night- EKO DYDDA
This has to go to Eko Dydda. Good Lord! The brother tore up the stage. And left it in tatters. His show was so stirring he got the whole auditorium on their feet. Including the picky VIP section. Crowds went super bananas for the boy. He was an absolute showstopper. Crap. He didn’t even need dancers. He was a full package – on his own. Eko Dydda’s energy was so much,so effervescent,he didn’t need the lethargic guys dancing around him. He brought down the house. In a way that is reminiscent of the glory days of the outstanding Michael Jackson. Perfect.

2. Blunder of the Night 
Size 8 and DJ Soxxy hosting the event. I think that whole thing fell flat. Their jokes were cheap and uncoordinated. Their whole act was bland,lame and hollow. Size 8’s attempt at being funny was a disaster. And DJ Soxxy should just stick to being,eeer,a DJ. Not worth of hosting an event. I swear I crapped my pants at some point. Nothing the two did deserves to have them brought back to the stage. Ever again. As a hosting duo.

3. Star of The Night- Dr. Ofweneke 
Without a doubt. You can never go wrong with a Dr. Ofweneke. No,you can’t. He is absolutely funny. Super hilarious and full of surprises. He doesn’t rely too much on cheap,tribal jokes to get the crowd laughing. Doesn’t seem to take himself too seriously and seems to be a perfect fly off the wall comedian. His whole acts was packed with punchline after punchline. Pure class act. And an absolute thrill to watch. He owned the night.

4. Punchline Of The Night – Ben Githae 
To start with,the man showed up dressed in a duvet. Or a really nice bedcover. His name alone and his sense of style- and assumed lack of awareness on what’s cutting – made him the ultimate punchline. Eric Omondi mocked him. David the Student made a joke about him. Big Ted made a joke about him. Almost everyone made a joke about the poor dude. And why not? He constantly looks like the most confused dude that was ever created. And isn’t he sooo easy to pick on? And joke about? Poor soul.

5. Speech Of The Night – Eva Mwalili
She won Best Radio Presenter and Best Radio Show. And you should have watched her first speech. It was peppered with a deep prayer,an emotional tribute to everyone in her circle,a shout out that didn’t seem to end,a little teary moments,deep introspection,endless showers of praise to God and even a brief evangelistic moment. It was a true speech. Of a true woman of God. Beautiful.

6. Awkward Speech Of The Night – DJ Covenant 
This Inooro TV dude won the Award for Best New Talent. And then his whole speech was a total train wreck. He didn’t seem to know where to start and how to end. He was too engrossed and bewildered by the win to think straight. His whole speech was a whole mix of blunder after blunder. He just rumbled on. And ended up dedicating his Award to the ” Whole of Kenya ” and then calling Kanze Dena on to the stage to pick up the Award. It’s a total mess. Kanze doesn’t even show up on stage. He ends up eating up too much of his talk time. And he now has to leave, having said absolutely nothing.

SEE ALSO: Mercy Masika Dominates Groove Awards 2016 As New Artistes Steal The Show (Full List Of Winners)

7. Guest Of The Night – DJ Creme de la Creme 
No,he didn’t get up on stage to talk or anything. He just sat in the VIP section. But still,he stood out. Why? Well,he’s just fresh from getting his poor ass arrested in the US for lack of proper travel documents and two,who can forget that sex tape? Like who? Boy,we will remember that sex tape for as long as we shall remember Kim Kardashian and Ray J’s.

8. WTF Moment Of The Night – Performance By Rap Community 
In celebration of Rap music’s contribution to the Gospel (is there any?) there was a little video tribute about the journey of Gospel rappers from the 1990’s to date. The tribute took forever. And made absolutely NO sense. And then it was time to ask the Rap Pioneers,akina Big Ted and Big Kev and some other dudes to get up on the stage and rap for us. Good Lord. I didn’t know what to do. Do I cry? Cringe? Laugh? Cuss out loud? Walk out in protest or just thank God I am not the one on that stage? Big Kev and Big Ted are trying to rap people. Just let that sink in. Terrible.

9.Fandemonium Of The Night – DJ Ruff 
I know you’re wondering what fandemonium is. Well,according to the urban dictionary,this is some sort of wild pandemonium caused by crazy fans towards an artist. American pop star Chris Brown always wins Fandemonium Awards for the way in which his fans love and adore him and how his fans root for him all through. The man who almost caused a mini riot at the arena after winning his award is definitely DJ Ruff of Ghetto Radio who won the Award For Best DJ. The Award was actually one of the most contested awards of the night with an array of seasoned DJs lined up for the Award. The mood was pensive moments before Eric Omondi announced the winner. And when DJ Ruff’s name was mentioned,a riot almost broke out. People cheered and clapped and screamed like maniacs,plunging the whole place into brief anarchy. Wildest moment of the night. Clearly,this young man has a loyal army of the staunchest fans anyone ever needed. Did you hear that? Willy Paul?

10.Medley Of The Night 
There were many musical breaks in the evening. Many. Some involving worship singers. Others involving pop /praise singers (Gloria Muliro et all). And then there was the musical medley comprising of Reggae and ragamuffin acts. And that’s when the party OFFICIALLY STARTED. From Magic Mike to Kelele Takatifu to J Fam and the whole crew,their musical medley was the most electrifying moment of the evening. One by one,the artists stepped up on stage and set it ablaze. J Fam was particularly outstanding. Magic Mike almost sent up the stage in smoke. The place was burning for a straight ten minutes. Ragga artist after Ragga artist,the kids stepped up on the stage. Energetic and fiery. Bombastic and colorful. Brazen and animated. The Ragga performances absolutely killed it. The whole hall was on their feet,screaming and clapping and yelling themselves wild. Absolutely unforgettable.

11. Man Of The Night – Pitson 
Why not? He was outstanding. In every sense of the word. First, his performance was pure fire! Brought the whole house down. Secondly,he was nominated in so many categories. Third,he won the undisputed Award for songwriter of the year,with special video tributes from the likes of Daddy Owen. Plus isn’t he so sweet and polite and avuncular? He had to win the night. Thank God he was dressed to kill. And kill he did. Heck,some pastors even made an impromptu maombi for him after he won the Award. All this time,the crowd kept going wild. And wilder.

12. Woman Of The Night – Mercy Masika 
Last year,Ghafla crowned Mercy Masika as the woman of the night. And this year,she wins the title again. For the second time in a phuckin row. Mercy is simply the best. She sings like a nightingale and looks like a princess. Warmest smile in the room. Sweetest voice ever heard. Kindest heart. Best songs and the most glorious vocals. Her Mama was even in attendance this year,proudly staying next to her daughter as she won the Award for Female Artist of the Year and also for Song of the Year. Mercy is a class act. And pure grace. Beautiful as heaven. And dazzling as a princess. Lucky is the man that married this woman. Lucky is that man. Man!