Ghafla! exposé: ILLUMINATI INDUSTRY (Part 1)

Ok, ok. I was late. Meetings all morning. Sorry guys. Thought I’d scheduled this article but this nincompoop called Jeff Omondi couldn’t just do BASIC FONT editing for me. BOOF!

ION, ILLUMINATI ILLUMINATI ILLUMINATI!!!!!! Oledoit.

Promoters: the enemy. They’re the reason you were frozen at the door, the reason you can’t sit down to drink unless you drop 20,000 crisp ones for a bottle of Grey Goose.  These guys have more enemies than friends, but that’s kind of the point. Clubs NEED a good rep. They NEED to be the talk of the town. This is guaranteed to happen twice in a clubs life: Opening night and two weeks after (The honeymoon period. EVERYONE will have to check out the new club. Curiosity.) and later when it gets a facelift (Once that new-car-smell wears off, the drop down to B-list or C-list clientele is REAL). And thats it. Before you know it, you try to go back. But huh?

So that’s why promoters are NOT trying to be friendly to just anyone even if that means marginalizing the rest of the population (you), that’s just the cost of doing business.

So what do they do? #PippaTip promoters promote. It is their job to get the “right” people in the club, stay on the Nairobi radar for as long as possible. The concept only works because the “right” people are generally too fickle to remain loyal to one place. Think about it, if you got VIP treatment anywhere you went, why would you want to keep hitting up the same place night after night?

So, what makes them successful? Well, here is Ghafla!’s breakdown on how to be a successful promoter in Nairobi.

1. What’s your P? I means what’s your deal/steez/M.O/swag

• Image promoter– show up with the hottest girls as accessories. Never walk in a club with guys (even your boys can’t walk in with you, but should meet you at the venue).
• Mass promoter– spam EVERYONE you can with mass texts. You don’t mind crowds, get as many sweaty humans in one place as possible
• Celebrity promoter– these guys I BELIEVE have the best job. Develop personal relationships with many famous faces. My opinion is Nairobi only has ONE of these that actually exists full time. The only avenue I can see is get in good books with Iyke of M-TECH.
• Table promoters– Basically book MANY tables for BIG table clients (aka Nigerians, Saudis or South Sudanese). This type of promoter does not have a fixed weekly lineup but it is based off of where the clients want to go. Each day is a different venue. Out of all the other types, this field is controlled by women. Unfortunately these men always visit with pretty clear misogynistic intentions, so be DTF or GO HOME.
• Gay promoters– Yes, they do exist. There is a massive gay scene in Kenya (and it’s pretty AWESOME if I may say so). If you have never heard of it, it’s because they didn’t want you to. The only people in Kenya more exclusive than rich kid circles is gay circles.

2.Good DJs/Live Music

Kaytrixx: go to Bacchus on Wednesday. FULL. Go to Changes on Thursday. FULL. Zelalem: Onami on Tuesdays, FULL. Havana on Thursdays, FULL. K1 Jazz Night, FULL. DJs and live bands are essential to every promoter.So become friends with a good DJ today.

3. Girl Power

Few things will attract more business than hotties. Girl bartenders, aspiring models as hostesses, ladies night, waitresses/patrons that double up as after-party entertainment, simply work the sexy nightclub angle. Some places keep this under wraps, others are a little more open about the fact that the girls are on the payroll. Either way, having a few “professionals” mixed into the crowd helps to keep things lively and upbeat.

4. Professionalism

This ain’t no hobby. COMMIT. Promoters will present themselves in a professional manner. They will have cards and a pretty intense website/social media presence. Bigger promoters will have special packages available for special clients. This myth of double-dealing promoters, its only the wannabes who fuck you over.

5. Game changer

• Talent house/Pimp house/Model house. Whatever you want to call it. A living space where talent(hot chics/socialites) are housed by the promoter for free and in exchange these girls must go out a certain number of nights a week, EXCLUSIVELY with who the promoter wants them to.
• Range Rover. Pick up and drop home the image girls as another enticement to get them out. Talent hates paying for cabs, so why not look like a VIP coming out a black or white Range with 4 hot chics? Win-win
• Offering of dinners. This is the weakest one but it still makes a difference. You’d be shocked how many gorgeous women you can lure out of their homes with the promise of free food.

6. Day-time to night-time

A Monday to Friday job barely holds gen pop down….. The nights are glamorous and rife with drink. But a weekend is two nights in a week. You must be thinking the days must be rough huh? Well…. Yes and no. Days are down time for a promoter, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to do. If you’re low on the food chain, keep that day job. But eventually, how many nights a week can one sacrifice sleep without dying from exhaustion? Clubs have no trouble filling up on weekends. A good promoter is needed on weekday nights: if you’re working Tuesday night, Wednesday is going to be rough. If you don’t get flexible hours, forget it. At the top of the food chain, weekdays are free and life is anything BUT boring.  You’re a ROCKSTAR. This is their schedule: get home at 4 am, sleep 5 hours, up at 9/10 am, 1hr recovery, 1hr to work out (in case you haven’t noticed, club promoters don’t look like marathon runners), and then get to your lunch meetings (with other promoters, DJs, talent/socialites), pursue/check up on your side projects, maybe watch the latest movie for an odd two hours. Then the sun goes down, and the cycle starts again.

7. Dating

Having a girlfriend is a bad idea, it turns off the women you’re bringing to the club. You’re a commodity, you NEED to be available. You work odd hours, you’re surrounded by sex and alcohol, jealousy and bad decisions will run rampant. Most importantly though, these guys don’t particularly want relationships at this time. They are happy with being more casual, and yes, the occasionalfrequent one night stand.  There are no shortage of girls that want to be near their looks, visibility, and level of access(And many will sleep with them to get there).

8. The Future

In five years, most promoters aren’t sure if they’ll still be in it or not (general age group is late 20’s-mid 30’s). It’s totally fun, but it’s a spring board to something else.  Perhaps marketing, hospitality or ownership.  It’s fun for now, but it won’t be fun forever.

9. Boring nights

Incredulously, and I quote  “It’s always fun.  Some days you move a little slowly and would rather skip work and stay home watching a marathon of your favorite series, but in any job, that’s what your days off are for.  You’re in a beautiful place, dancing with girls, drinking as much or as little as you want… You won’t have these opportunities forever.”  Who wouldn’t be more than happy to do that every night?”

10. Clear Value

State what you want :eg. A cut of the bar. Collection of entrance. But the general rule, there is a minimum attendance threshold before you gets anything. The key is to be clear about the cost and benefit you are is bringing. Don’t fall victim to pipe dreams you can’t deliver.

11. Find a Good Promotional Fit

Reach out to niche groups. If you are going for a classy, sophisticated Martini bar vibe, don’t have a wet t-shirt contest. Rather than attract new patrons, you’re gonna drive away your regulars. The “right” people can be broken down into very simple groups: Celebrities, rich guys who buy bottles, rich Nigerians, expatriates and of course, the given: HOT girls. Specialize.

12. Know when to Hire Yourself

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. If you are having a hard time finding someone who will carry out your vision, you will have to be that person. But beware, its an intensive gig. If you’re busy, you need a partner. Someone you trust who shares your vision. Tag team to give yourselves off time.

Here’s a tip from the Pros: Team up with the local radio station in your area. Get program hosts to appear/host some club promotion events at your joint. Usually they can promote you on their programs and you can exponentially increase your reach. Offer to put up banners from the radio station, or offer them sponsorship, or put many of the station execs on your guest list. This should give both you and the radio station some free exposure.

So with all that said, who are these “promoters”? You think I have created a species in my head? Here are my top five? Well, click here to find out.