GHAFLA EXPLORES: These Are The 10 Worst Types Of Chics To Date In Nairobi

Dating is kind of like traveling abroad: at first it’s exciting but then you start waking up in weird-smelling places, run out of money, and realize that you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. Specifically, when you’re dating women in Nairobi, you’re liable to notice some common threads running through the local dating pool. From the highest of high maintenance to borderline trainwrecks, these are the 10 worst types of chics to date in Nairobi.

The “One of the Guys” Chick

Place of residence: Donholm, South B or Rongai

Her life: She has too many male friends. She says stuff like “mzito,” “buda,” and “ngori.” She knows how to open a beer bottle with her teeth, because she grew up with five brothers. She listens to Young Thug and thinks that Khaligraph is super handsome.

Your first date: You don’t have to take her anywhere. She comes to your place, you eat lunch or supper then you bang continuously. She tells you she doesn’t like CDs so you bang her raw anyway coz her ass and titties are too fine

The inevitable breakup: She gives you an STD or you eventually get jealous and uncomfortable coz of her legions of male buddies who you suspect are smashing her.

The Fame Seeker  

Place of residence: A cheap servants quarter in one of Nairobi’s posh estates

Her Life: She’s an upcoming singer, model. Radio presenter, actor or video vixen.

Your first date: Some expensive restaurant in Westlands or at a coffee shop in a mall. She probably told you she doesn’t do cheap stuff. You end up spending about 3k on the date yet she refuses to give you the goodies the same day. You still decide to hold on to her because she is hot and has style

The inevitable breakup: She starts catching feelings when she realizes you are doing better in your career yet you aren’t helping her develop hers in any way. She eventually quits to hook up with a big shot somewhere

The Intern

Place of residence : Still lives with her parents or is renting a place with two of her friends along Thika Road

Her life: She dresses nicely despite not getting paid. She loves her job so much and is looking to get hired at the same company after she finishes her internship.

Your first date: She meets you in town after she finishes up work at 5pm. You’re super impressed by how well she keeps her appearance, she talks about work a lot, but you think her glasses are hot. Surprisingly, she likes her booze and you finish up the night buying Guarana for her at one of the lounges.

 The inevitable breakup: She gets hired and shortly after she starts asking you about your career plans. She starts being unavailable quite often. You late learn that she’s banging one of her bosses. That’s why she got a job so quickly.

The ‘fresh outta high school’ chic

Place f residence: Any hood (with her parents , auntie or bigger sister)

Her life: She is excited about joining campus soon. She also has a lot of free time on her hands hence she wants to have fun.

Your first date: Brunch at Chicken Inn or Coldstone. You watch nervously as she orders expensive meals yet your pockets are dry. She tells you about her ex-boyfriend’s guitar and that she has a crush on Willy Paul. She agrees to shag on the second date and you invite her to your place or one of your boys’ places for a romp.

The inevitable breakup: You realize she’s too childish and that all the things she’s excited about are things that you did a long time ago

The Party Girl

Neighborhood: Roysambu. Zimmerman or Umoja

Her life: She does nothing special with her life. She’s either an average student in college or an average employee at work. She still believes that she’ll find a nice rich guy to marry her and take care of all her problems. She gets sick quite often too because her white blood cells are too dirunk to fight diseases. 

Your first date: You go to Skyluxx or your estate club on a Monday night and proceed to get wasted. Then you chipo her

The inevitable breakup: You get tired of getting wasted on every weeknight and having to buy a mzinga every time she’s coming over to your place. You break up with her and she seems to take it a little too well. She just doesn’t care.

The younger cougar

Neighborhood: One of the posh estates in Nairobi

Her life: She is in her late twenties or early thirties but eager for the sugar mummy life because she has money. She has a husband who works far away or she probably got divorced. She is a busy woman with a high ranking role somewhere but has no social life. She thus spends her free time fapping and hunting for young boys

Your first date: She invites you to her place since she’s too horny to go on dates first and have sex later. She sends her kids to their auntie when you are about to come. She cooks for you and pounces on you before you even finish the meal. She then demands 10 rounds and doesn’t care that you are tired.

The inevitable breakup: She tries too hard to control you like a child. She insists on you coming over whenever she calls you. Her possessiveness suffocates you hence you decide to quit. She then takes back everything she ever bought you

The feminist

Place of residence: Hurlingham, Valley Arcade or living with her parents
Her life: She doesn’t trust men anymore. She’s gone through too many heartbreaks. Some dude probably made her pregnant and ran away so she kept the baby or aborted. She’s hot and has a cool job but she doesn’t get laid a lot. She believes in equal rights for both genders. She probably spends most of her days being bitter at nothing.

. Your first date: A traditional date at a coffee shop where she asks you too many questions to vet you. She makes you take her on like 10 other dates before  she even lets you kiss her. During sex, you find out that she is not even good enough. She accidentally bites you while giving you a BJ

The inevitable breakup: She refuses to cook or do anything for you while expecting you to sill spend tons of money on you just because she’s giving you the punani. You get fed up and dump her

The chic with no life

Place of residence: a campus hostel somewhere

Her life: She’s probably a student with nothing else to do apaprt from studying and eating. This type of woman insists that you spend every waking moment with her, refusing to let you go out with the boys or spend any significant amount of time with anyone else. If you suggest that she should hook up with her girlfriends while you go watch the game with your friends, you will probably be faced with a two-hour argument during which she’ll ask you if you still love her about a thousand times

The first date: She’ll be super excited and talk too much especially if you are working.[i]She’ll also let you shag her on the same day you meet her so long as you push for it.

The inevitable breakup: Shestarts pressuring you to help her get a job and take her out every weekend. You end up fleeing without even telling her.

The hot but dumb chic

Place of residence: a bed sitter costing 12k. (she doesn’t know you can get cheaper ones elsewhere)

Her life: She looks good but she’s ignorant about a lot of things. Conversations with her aren’t exactly “stimulating.” As you have to keep explaining lots of stuff like a Maths teacher. .

Your first date: Anywhere in town so long as you show up looking nice. You don’t have to go to great lengths to come up with interesting topics of conversation since she’s a bimbo. You can have sex with her on the first day too

The inevitable breakup: When it comes to a serious relationship, you’ll definitely lose interest faster than she can say “What does ‘CEO’ mean?”

The chic with rich parents

Place of residence: At home or some campus hostel that she was forced to live in by her parents so that she learns the hard life

Her life: A high maintenance chick. If she breaks a nail, she expects you to drop everything you’re doing to take her to the nail salon immediately. There’s no way she’ll go to the pub to have a beer and watch the game; only the trendiest venues will do. Her daddy always told her she was a princess and she expects to be treated like one.

Not only will she constantly keep you busy taking care of her every need, the rich chic can also cost you a pretty penny. Although she’s not necessarily after your money she has expensive taste, and expects you to shower her with nice things and take her out to posh places on a regular basis

Your first date Some expensive place where you spend a huge sum but she’s till not impressed

The inevitable breakup: You give up wen you realize she’s going to make you poor soon.