CABU GAH DIARIES: This Is Kenya’s Woman Of The Year…Man Of The Year,Booty Of The Year…Clown Of The Year. Oh,Crook Of The Year Too And Much More.
The Year is coming to a close. And in less than 5 weeks now,We shall be ushering in the New Year. Year 2015! Hooooray! But wait,Who made it to the top of the Year’s Annual checklist?? And who didn’t?? FIND OUT.
Person Of The Year is a title I have shamelessly borrowed from the titanic TIME MAGAZINE. TIME chronicles any given Year’s largest stories,events,news makers and personalities and does a poll(sometimes) or simply sits down and decides who takes the Ultimate Person of the Year Crown.
Person of the Year (formerly Man of the Year) is an annual issue of the United States news magazine Time that features and profiles a person, group, idea or object that “for better or for worse…has done the most to influence the events of the year”.
And locally,We have our own People Of The Year too. People who have stood out in the Country for their news making exploits,achievements,views,innovations,declarations and antics,too. People who have influenced Kenyans in one way or another…People who have shocked us,entertained us,outraged us,kept us glued to our TV screens and mobile phones,outraged us,blessed us and even disgusted us. Today,as the Month of November closes and the festive Month of December beckons,We profile the Best Of The Best…Those who stood out,for better or for Worse.
NB: I will limit My use of Photos in this Article. Will use them ONLY when I deem it necessary.
1. ROOKIE OF THE YEAR.
A Rookie is a bubbling-under performer or artist or personality whose talents and gifts(In any given field) are starting to be noticed or have already been noticed in a big way….And this Year,the Crown for Rookie Of The Year goes to some Young Kenyan girl whose writing skills have gotten her noticed globally. Even winning thE coveted Caine Prize For African Writing…Beating Out big African Writers. Our Rookie of the Year is none other than the beautiful and comely,Okwiri Oduor. Previous winners include Nigeria’s Tope Folarin in 2013 and Zimbabwe’s NoViolet Bulawayo in 2011. If Nigeria’s Chimamanda Ngozi is the female version of Chinua Achebe,then Okwiri Oduor is the female version of Ngugi Wa Thiong’o. Go,Go Girl!
2.SMILE OF THE YEAR.
A smile is a powerful thing…Able to stop wars,calm crying babies,sedate the sick and lighten up any gloomy day. And while Kenya is endowed with thousands of the best and sweetest smiles ever seen,Only ONE SMILE stands out from the rest…A smile that bewitches,enchants,captivates and enthralls. And that sweet title goes to none other than Fashionista Sharon Mundia,of This Is Ess blog. God,This smile can kill! Damn!
3. STORY OF THE YEAR
Vera Sidika’s appearance on popular TV tabloid show #TheTrend shook the Nation. Why?? Well,the whole Bleaching Beauty furore. After that iconic #Thetrend interview with Larry Madowo,the topic of Bleaching and whatnot spread across the Country like bush fire…And,ultimately,across the whole WORLD! Vera was now a tabloid topic across ALL World blogs,Radio and Television stations including Nigeria’s Linda Ikeji,Washington Post,CNN,BBC,Aljazeera everywhere! Phew! And what else?? She trended on Twitter for close to 2 weeks! Jesus Christ! Too much publicity for one person!
4. SONG OF THE YEAR.
Sauti Sol’s Sura Yako. No arguments about that. Got a complaint?? Raise it up with Your local Chief.
5.MEDIA PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR.
Given the huuuuuuge popularity of his super-huge TV show,#TheTrend,Larrry Madowo easily takes this one. Not exactly everyone’s cup of tea,Larry is loved an loathed in equal measure. Much like his virtual girlfriend,the puissant Caroline Mutoko. With a smile as infectious as his and a voice as golden as Ted William’s,Larry easily trounces any other media personality to easily and effortlessly bag the Media Personality of The Year title.
6. BLOG ARTICLES OF THE YEAR.
There are a few contenders in the race here…Silas Nyanchwani’s Mukimo article,Cabu Gah’s Masaku 7s twin articles,Biko Zulu’s British Visa article and Njoki Chege’s Why Men Cheat Article. All of the 4 Writers ultimately ended up on Larry Madowo’s show THE TREND to discuss their articles and the impact they had had on the general public. Njoki Chege’s Why Men Cheat,however,takes the crown on this one. Hands down. That article shook the nation. In stupendous ways.
7. SHOCK OF THE YEAR.
When eccentric Writer Binyavanga Wainaina decided to come out…And publicly announce his sexuality,Everyone was caught unawares. Mouths dropped. And eyes froze. Jaws dropped,too and hearts stopped. For a minute or two. One of Kenya’s Most Famous Writers had just announced that he was gay. We needed weeks to process that piece of information. Or months. And we finally did…And embraced him.
8.GOOD NEWS OF THE YEAR.
That Almighty Oscar Award. No News is better than that! No News! Infact,Lupita Nyongo’s Oscar win is much bigger than just Good News of The Year…Its simply the BEST NEWS OF THE DECADE! Or Millennium. Ulalaaa…Orgasmic! Just like Princess Diana’s death,every Kenyan remembers exactly where they were when they learned of Lupita’s Oscar win. I was taking a very early-morning poop…when I checked the phone…And saw the news on Facebook. Where were You??
9.CLOWN OF THE YEAR
Joseph Ole Lenku. You all know why. Big ass clown! A dead goat would do a much better job at The Security Docket than 46 Ole Lenkus. Pooh! Makes me wanna throw up. On him!
10.EVENT OF THE YEAR
Raila Odinga’s big celebratory rally at Uhuru Park…attended by what Jakoyo Midiwo still believes was 1 Million Kenyans. Whether that number is right or wrong,one thing is for certain,Raila Odinga’s May 31st Homecoming Rally at Uhuru Park was massive. Soooooooooooo damn massive! The Country came to a standstill. Nairobi chocked under the massive influx of the greatest crowds ever witnessed in Nairobi since the 2002 Kibaki swearing-in.
11.SLOGAN OF THE YEAR.
#BabaWhileYouWereAway. It was timely,precise,cute,funny,hilarious,interesting,catchy and super creative.
12. HASHTAG OF THE YEAR.
#MyDressMyChoice. You all know why. No wasting time trying to explain it . You saw the results..No,actually,drooled at the results. Hehe.
13. MOST DISGUSTING THING OF THE YEAR.
What is a disgusting thing?? A disgusting thing is something that totally draws You back,inspires feelings of nausea,pain,discomfort,vengeance and tastelessness in You and messes up with Your mental peace. The sight of dead people is disgusting….A bloody accident scene is disgusting. And the sight of a mutilated body is disgusting. So what was the MOST DISGUSTING THING OF THE YEAR?? Well,the Uganda Nanny Video. Arrrrgh. I watched it…And didn’t know whether to cry or mourn or scream or throw up or just throw myself down a balcony. My heart turned cold, Mouth went dry and life lost meaning. The minute that cruel nanny kicked the crying baby’s poor head,and stood on the baby,I gave up watching the video. I still haven’t finished watching it. And probably never will.
14.CROOK OF THE YEAR.
The National Dog,Pastor Kanyari. I need not explain why. Jicho Pevu already did the job for me.
15. PHOTO OF THE YEAR.
For all the opposition nay-sayers who thought it would never happen,well,it did! The Obamas posing for a group photo with the Kenyattas. Improbable pair. Ecstatic moment. Kenyans jubilation over this gem of a photo…For weeks. The jubilation was worth it. Not unless You are Johnson Muthama. Haha.
16. BOOTY OF THE YEAR
First and foremost,I am NOT gay. And Never will be! The holder of this title ended up here simply because he is my colleague at work…And sits a few yards away from Me. He is also the noisiest and loudest and most unpredictable person I have ever come across. And because he is my friend and a guy I love trolling and making fun of,I decided that he ends up on this list. In this particular category. This photo of him in a tight dress,by the way,had over 2,000 LIKES ON Facebook! And over 1,000 shares! It went viral. Super viral! That male booty though…Hahaha,I made fun of him all week just for daring to take that photo! In that angle! But Hey,#MyDressMyChoice,right??
17. FLOP OF THE YEAR
Raila Odinga’s name shows up again. But this time,in the bad side of the story. His much hyped SABA SABA Rally ,an event that had sent jitters across the Nation,leading to mass exodus of tribes from volatile regions and lurid memories of the dark 2007/8 Post Election period,Saba Saba ended up being nothing but a shambolic nuisance. It wasn’t a rally,really. But a gathering of lost souls. Noisy clowns and clueless rabble-rousers. Nothing was achieved…Absolutely NOTHING! Even after the Government poured 15,000 Police Officers in the CBD to contain the anticipated “massive” crowds,only a few thousand jobless idlers showed up. To listen to nothing. It was a complete waste of time. And of resources. And of energy. And of emotions. Biggest flop ever!
And NOW THE LAST PART OF THE ARTICLE….WHICH IS ALSO THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.
MAN OF THE YEAR…..
I know this is contentious but,hey,its Me doing the article,right??? Right. So,well,According to this writer,the MAN OF THE YEAR is none other than the aforementioned Binyavanga Wainaina. Why?? Well,for that BOLD step he took…And publicly announced his sexuality. In a country full of hardcore homophobes-And some pretentious ones,too-Binyavanga’s move was not only bold but unbelievably AMAZING. He knew the backlash he would face for the move,weighed his options,anticipated the repercussions BUT still took that bold,rare step and,in a Country as African as ours,announced that he was gay. He faced resistance,Yes. But he handled it well. And gracefully. That was a major step in the fight for Sexual Minorities’ Rights in this Country. And also an emboldening turning point for all weak,marginalized and sidelined Minorities not only in Kenya but Africa and the World. Wat more?? Binyavanga was named One Of The 100 MOST POWERFUL People in the World by the Powerful TIME MAGAZINE. Well,That’s HOW You become Man of the Year.
WOMAN OF THE YEAR…..
Our little,Golden Hollywood Queen,Lupita daughter of Nyongo. I cannot even start naming all the Awards and titles that Lupita has won or been bestowed upon. They are way too many. What stands out,however,is her Oscar Win. And her clinching the enviable MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD title,courtesy of People Magazine. Lupita has consistently won Awards,endorsed products,done exhilarating speeches,touched hearts and blessed millions across the Universe with her beauty,skill,humility,talent,prowess and humility. She is the darling of the World. But before that,She was Our Darling! Our Love. And Our Queen. Long Live The Queen!
PERSON OF THE YEAR….
YOU. Yes,You! But wait,You ONLY become Person Of The Year if You did a few things…If You stood with Women amidst public shaming and stripping for what illiterate touts considered “indecent dressing”, You are a Person Of The Year. If You upheld Peace for the sake of Your brother,practiced self-control and ignored the inciteful words of our War-mongering politicians,You are A Person Of The Year. If You stood on the side of Truth and Justice and Honesty,even when surrounded by crowds of crooks and immoral humans,You are A Person of The Year. If You stood by Your principles and avoided allowing corruption and lies and moral rot to take the better of You,You Are A Person Of The Year. If You extended a hand to help a stranger,smiled to the sick,showed mercy and exhibited humanity in every step of Your life,You are a Person Of The Year! And if You never did any of that,well,You are NOT even a person! Crawl back to the ancient animal cave You deserve to live in.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL OF YOU! PEOPLE OF THE YEAR! Make 2015 as brilliant as this Year already!
Muuuuuuu-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
