CABU GAH DIARIES: EXPOSED! Pastor Kanyari’s Elder Sister Has A Church In Nyeri Too. And Her Church Rules Will SHOCK YOU! Mohammed Ali is ATTACKED at Number 11.

Pastor Kanyari is NOT the only child from Prophetess Nduta’s household who took to her evil ways. His elder sister is in the fake miracles trade,too. And her church has rules and regulations. Tough Ones! Mohammed Ali is NOT SPARED either.

 Her name is Pastor Eunice Wangari Kanyari. Pastor Kanyari’s elder sister. And Betty Bayo’s sister-in-law. And she runs the ‘Biashara Ni Biashara Healing Ministries’ in Nyeri’s Othaya Constituency. And there are tough rules in her church. I visited the Church for a service. And here are the rules.

Here they are:

1. Ukiigia unakaa mbere….Mahali bado kuna viti. Kama viti huku bere hazijajaa wee kuja ujaze. Unakaa nyuma kwani wewe ni mkia?? Jaza viti kwanja. Watu wa kucherewo watajaza za Nyuma.

2. Ukiiga uzime simu. Not unress unatumia Application ya MPESA. Kama hauchezi na butoon za MPESA tafathari zima simu. Hakuna mutu hana simu. Hata Mama Kimathi arinunua yake jana. Zima simu na uikarie.

3. Fungu ra kumi ni razima. Ukivuna mahindi,rete mikebe biri kwa kanisa. Ukivuna maharage,rete kare kagunia kadogo. Ukivuna samaki,toa mifupa ya dani na urete stake. Na kama unaripagwo elfu kumi,ten percent ya elfu kumi ni elfu moja. Ten percent ya elfu ishirini ni erfu biri. Tusikosanie hesabu dogo dogo.

4. Ware wananugunika ati nirinunua gari wakuje kwagu kwa ofisi waogeree huko. Sio kuchapa mudomo nyuma ya mgogo yangu. Unataka nisinunue gari nikununurie shaba ama?? Na niujiga sana kupigia gari kama Noah kerere. Na nikinunua Range Rover si mutatoroka.

5. Sadaka ni razima. Na si atio muniretee mashiringi hapa . Ati anga sijui shiringi kumi shiringi tano. Hii ni Kanisa. Sio kiosk ya peremede. Mashirigi perekea Mama Kim. Toa sadaka iko na adabu. Hautajiabishia kwako na ujiaibishie kwa nyuba ya Mugu.

6. Choir yetu inaibaga vibaya sana. Lakini it’s the best we have. Akina Sophia warireta nyokonyoko. Ati wakaanza kudai waripwe. Unataka kuripwo kwa sababu ya kuibia Mugu?? Kwani wewe ni daimono?? Mutu akitaka kusifu mugu kwa wimbo anafaa amsifu for free! Ukitaka kuripwo toa kanda uuze. Kama Betty Bayo. Na mutoe video za maana. Kariuki anatoaga video baya sana.

7. Mukizaa watoto muwapatie majina ya kawaida. Kama Margaret. Ama Erisabeth. Munanipatia kazi gumu sana ikifika wakati wa kubatiza watoto. Mumama muzima anaita mutoto Mackayla, Trinity,Laquishia,Tonguetwister kwani mutoto amekua sabuni ya kuoga?? Pea mutuoto majina simple dio ibada ya Baptism tumarize haraka haraka. Ama ujibatizie mutoto kwako.

8. Kipidi yetu inakujaga KBC kila Saturday saa tatu asubui. Inakujaga pia UTV na Sayare Tv kila siku saa tatu usiku. Ku-watch kipidi yetu ni RAZIMA! Sitaki excuse ati “Oh,Nirikuwa napika..Ati sijui Muzee anapeda kuwatch News” Kipidi razima uwatch! Na si ati uwatch peke yako…Mutu awatch na majirani,na Landlord na caretaker na ikiwezekana mu-watch na agent wa nyuba pia. Na kama sitting room yako ni dogo tafadhari hamia nyuba kubwa. Kwani ukibarikiwo unaperekaga pesa wapi??

9. Ushuhuda mukue munatoa kaushuhuda kadogo kadogo. Sio kukuja hapa mutu anapeana story mureeeefu na hata haina punchline. Kama mugu amekutedea muujiza,tafadhari sammarize iyo muujiza. Ruka mpaka mahari utamu iko. Usiturudishe miaka 7 nyuma. Ushuhuda ni mingi! Wee chapa yako,harafu uede uketi. Afrosinema perekea SK Macharia!

10. Pottasium Parmanganate imepada bei sana. Tutakuwa tukitumia damu ya kuku sasa. So,kila Sunday asubui wamama wa ku-donate kuku wajitoree. Tutakuwa tukificha damu ya Kuku kwa karatasi,harafu unaificha kwa sleeve ya Koti….Anyway,it’s a long story,tafadhari ogeeni na Ndung’u awaerezee zaidi.

11. Jicho Pevu hatuogopagi. Hata sisi tuko na Macho. Kwanza yetu ni MACHO. Sio JICHO. Mutu atoe ushuhuda bira uwoga. Wakikuja hapa tutawachaganya akiri mpaka tuwafanye Ushers.

12. Nikiwaobea razima muaguke shini! Nikikushika forehead unafaa uaguke mara iyo iyo! Nime-realize kuna tumama tunanyeta nyeta hapa. Hatuaguki! Ukiguzwo,Aguka! Usiogope kuchafuka guo,kwani hauna sabuni kwako?? Biashara Ni Biashara.

13. Fridays na Saturdays afternoon ni siku za Coaching. Coaching inafanyiwagwo kwagu. Na mimi diye Head Coach. Assistant Coach ni Mama Jedida. Kufika ni saa nane. Kutoka ni saa kumi. Na Tafatharini keep time. Na ukicoachiwa ukochike haraka! Time is money!

14. 310 ni ujinga! Hapa ni 510! Na 27 ya kutoa! So,total ni 537! Wengine wanatumaga 510 exactly natoa na 27,nabaki na 483! Harafu munacomplain hamubarikiwi. Unaibia mugu shiringi 27 na unataka akupee shaba ya mamirioni?? Tiga ngoma!

15. Nikikutumia message WhatsApp harafu u-ignore kutoka reo hauna bahati. Kitabo murikuwa munajitetea ati “Sikuona Message Yako”. Too bad. Siku hizi WhatsApp ime-upgrade. Wamerete tick mbiri za blue. Hizo zinamaanisha YOU READ MY MESSAGE! So,ukikosa huduma ya Wednesday.harafu nikushtue WhatsApp harafu ukatae ku-reply,tafathari tafuta Kanisa igine. Muguruki uyu!

Pastor Wangui’ Kanyari’s Church is in downtown Othaya. On MAKANGA Biulding,Floor 5,Room 16.

Visit and Be Blessed!

Yours Faithfully,

Pastor Wangui wa Kanyari.

Biashara Ni Biashara Healing Ministries.

Maoni pereka kwako.