ATTENTION NAIROBIANS: We are the WORST. Here’s why.
We all remember our dear friend who after getting so up in arms about ArtCaffe gate declared we should go drink our croissants elsewhere. *facepalm*
My point is, Nairobians have turned (not always so successfully) into all kinds of snobs. And I’m calling you all out HERE. So all ya’ll wine snobs, beer snobs, food snobs, car snobs, music snobs, sports snobs, fashion snobs, language snobs etc. Everyone is getting so insufferable! But what are the worst kind of snobs?
1. I think by far wine snob is #1 on any list. Those people are pricks. Causing so much commotion because who drinks box wine or house wine by the glass!!! You need to decant/let it breathe first? Oh, and all these South African wines flooding the market, the travesty! You could really just do with a Chilean Reserva right now… All of you, from the label whores “Petrus? Awesome!” to the shrew collectors “An Araujo vertical? Awesome!” deserve to be punched. Besides, you ALL look ridiculouls drinking from your comically oversized wine glasses.
2. Food snobs come in a close second. They will force you to eat dinner at some assh*le Ethiopian restaurant that doesn’t take credit cards (if your restaurant doesn’t take credit cards, you can go die), sit at a communal table with horrible people, and you have a 36-hour grace period before the onset of guaranteed diarrhea. DO NOT do the sushi date. Ever. Most of the time, NO ONE knows what they are talking about. “Dip the whole nigiri in the soy sauce”, or “Mix your soy sauce and wasabi”, or “NEVER eat ginger as a palate cleanser”. Who died and made you the sushi police? Also, people eat sushi with their hands. YES, it is normal.
But, interestingly, the opposite of the food snob in this case is just as bad: the food slob. Dear friend who drove all the way to Ole Tip-SH*T to have “the best choma ever”, why is there a 2-day wait for my food. Finally, a man uses an ACTUAL MACHETE to cut up nyama on what I am pretty sure used to be part of a door, plops some awkwardly sliced Ugali on it, some soggy kachumbari and hands me a salt shaker aka an old glue bottle from a ditch. I am telling you right now, the drive will NEVER be worth experiencing their “signature Mutura”. And don’t judge me.
3. Beer snobs and music snobs both third…. Can’t decide which is worse.
– Music snobs will explain to you why Skrillex is NOT dubstep, proceed to yap their mouths about some stupid dichotomous key with all the “species” of dubstep. They will forever try to plug in their mp3 player in the middle of a Rihanna song so we can all stand around awkwardly nodding. And what about those EDM crazies, who keep talking about some Crack-land Festival that they must attend next year. Then proceed to casually whip out their tablet and make you watch a THIRTY MINUTE advertisement of thousands of drug-induced festival goers continuously jumping. Because apparently that is normal. DO NOT try to casually have a conversation about how Andy Warhol was the best and the worst thing that happened to The Velvet Underground. No, stop sending me new music or telling me about bands I have never heard of. Yes, I don’t care who Garfunkel and Oates are, stop trying to make me watch your folk-sy Orutu videos, and its honestly fine if I haven’t seen the new Khaligraph Jones video. And the most annoying thing: After trying all these and failing, they sigh in defeat, and play either Jay Z or Kanye West and look at me with pity “That’s better right?” Don’t jealous me. Oh and yeah, I LIKE FUTURE AND I LOVE 2 CHAINZ. DEAL WITH IT.
– Beer snobs. Oh you who will only drink Stella Artois. STELLA ARTOIS? Grzzfdgfdgklerhwtl. Have a Tusker my friend. Tusker Lager? Unless its the Tusker Lager in a can for export. But not cold, I only have my beers TEPID. (If you have ever used the word TEPID to describe your beer, I hate you.) In this category, Cola drinkers, no one CARES there is a difference between sugar-sweetened and cornsyrup-sweetened cola. No, I don’t want to taste the two, no it doesn’t remind ANYONE of their childhood. EITHER YOU DRINK COLA OR YOU DON’T!
5. And finally fifth we have the coffee snobs. Coffee snobs will impede your progress on a daily basis. All you wanted was a hot chocolate. But to get it, you have to wait for f**king Denzel Washington himself to order his Mocha Grande with a double shot of espresso. But not that harsh blend that he had the last time? (As if anyone behind the counter remembers you) Only the Ethiopian roast, please. And a shot and HALF of hazelnut syrup. And NO EXTRA FOAM. Stay away from the places with detailed menus or allegedly racist managers. I’m already waiting twenty minitues for you to order your coffee. I don’t need that to become nine hours and a lawsuit.
An underrated snob, honorary mention, the condiment snob. The next friend that tells me about the hotdog/mustard nonsense. I can put chilli, mayo, relish, onions but ketchup seems to be a problem? How about the frenchfries Mayo vs. Ketchup huh? I cannot be held responsible for how I may react.
Do you agree? Tweet us @GhaflaKenya and mulika those responsible for your suffering. #CallOutASnob #YouAreTheWorst
Disclaimer: This article was titled in jest. Are we THE worst, maybe. But we definitely are bourgeois.com
