Happy New Year From Naivasha…The Madness,The Girls,The Dirt,The Screams… Huddah Monroe And Nigerian Singer Patoranking Getting Naughty (PART TWO + Photos)
The stay at Panorama doesn’t take forever. Despite my very loud protests,we still have to eat that platter thing I told ya about that’s sold at this very exquisite hotel. Luckily,it’s super sweet and I actually am full. And so is everyone. Amon,I’m not so sure.
Oh,he didn’t swim. We stopped him from it. It’s 6.00pm now… We won’t be back to the Manera Farm till around 10.00pm or so. And so a plan had to be hatched quick! Where do we go from here?!
You see… We would’ve opted to stay at Panorama toll 10.00pm, but this Hoteli doesn’t sell alcohol. And the hippiest drinks they sell here is Delmonte. You can chow some bowl of ice-cream too if you’re so inclined. Or drown some supu ya Mbuzi. Well,we’re not White people who’ll take anything. Two,we didn’t come to Naivasha to gamble with our drinks.
Kate is still taking photos. And so is Miss B. Irari and his girl are already back in the car. Amon is teasing some really sexy waitress. And I am struggling to piece together the bill and pay it from the many denominations of money they’ve contributed at the table.
Goodbye Panorama Hotel…Naivasha is starting to have some life… You can start to feel the buzz now… You can start seeing more swanky cars driving around town. You can start seeing more young people,in different stages of drunkenness, allover the place. The local clubs are starting to come alive. Girls too,can be seen now. Oh,Girls Girls Girls!!! And the sunset has never looked more beautiful… Mark you,it’s 31st December! New Year’s Eve… The joy,thrill,excitement and anticipation can be felt in the air… The town’s now roaring back to life… And the night looks like it’s gonna be one helluva party.
We drive back to the Arizona Hotel I told ya about. Their meat was shit,alright but they have a bouncy nightclub adjacent to it… It’s well-stocked,has wonderful interior,comfy seats,nice lounge section,affordable prices,a bombastic DJ and some super gorgeous waitresses.
We invade the club and chose a table at the corner… It’s only 6.30pm and the club is almost full already. The DJ too is no mathafackin’ joke… He’s way too into the vibe. And the music he’s blaring is on anutha level. Pombe is Mia mbili here. And a Smirnoff Mzinga is like 2,000 Bob. Without further ado,we ask for a Smirnoff Mzinga.
Panorama Hotel Aerial View
‘Na ice cubes… Mlete ice cubes mooob! ‘ Kate orders.’Na charger? Mko na charger ya Android aki? ‘ Amon wonders.
In no time,the Mzinga’s already here. Time to blast our way through it… The ice cubes are here too. Stuffed into a fairly-sized metal bowl.
The place is filling up even more… And the girls,the girls… Are something else…
Time flies. And so it does in this case. Before we know it,it’s 9.50pm… And the Mzinga is gone. Miss B is having sausages. And Kate is on the dance floor.
By 10.10pm,we pay and leave the club…. Off to Marena Farm now!!! And let tha party begin!
Two hours ago,the roads were as smooth as a baby’s buttocks here in town. And now,traffuck has already started building up. There are all manner of cars now… All across the streets… Some are heading to some Lakeside Party hosted by DJ Hassan. Others are off to Crayfish Camp for the Shaffie Weru gig. And most are off to Marena Farm for Hakuna Matata. There are like 4 major New Year Events going down in this town alone. And you can imagine the vehicle-and human-traffic.
Somehow,we’re at the Junction. And the drive to Marena takes FO-RE-VER. And BOOM! Place is buzzing with all manner of activities. The entrance area itslef is like a party within a party. Too many cars parked here. Too much music blaring from ALL of these cars. Too many young people here. Too much cuddling and dancing next to open cars. Too much smoking. And definitely,a whole lot of drinking!
‘Habari yako Boss…? ‘some burly security guy says to me,leaning on my car and almost sinking it.’ Poa Poa Baba… Parking Iko ama?’ I ask.
I am asked to open my car boot. And asked to ask my pals to step out of the car….
‘Lazima tufanye ka-search kidogo Baba… Fungua gari… ‘
I do as told and these jamaas go through my stuff so meticulously. It’s like they’re admitting me into some G20 Summit in Geneva or something.
‘ Hii ni pombe?’ one of the security jamaas ask,holding up some beer can we’d forgotten we had. ‘Na hii pia?’ he adds,fishing out the remaining Flirt Vodka that we still had.
We are then told to maliza all that alcohol BEFORE we can be admitted into the venue. Come on now!!!
‘Wekeni gari pale… Mkimaliza mkuje… Ama uingize gari hawa wabaki huku wakimalizia hii pombe… ‘ I am told.
Sawa sawa.
Inside,Parking’s insane. Too many cars up in here. I can here some girl yelling herself across the stage. And the music is becoming louder now.
‘Cabu Gaaaaaaah ‘ I hear some girl scream. She’s in some car beside me… But I am top busy trying to find parking. And avoid all the madness. I don’t concentrate. And they drive off.
Miss B at the Panorama Hotel
My jamaaz have drowned all of the remaining pombe. And I can now see them tottering in,confused. Their tickets dangling from their necks like some Slavery-era compulsory tag.
We walk into the event and it’s now nearing 11.00pm. DJ Creme de la Creme,the Luscious Lyon of Sex tapes,is killing it on the decks…
The little girl whose yells I could hear from as far as North Carolina is actually Huddah Monroe,and she’s allover the stage,dressed like a tramp and acting like one. Prancing up and down,bending over way too much and appearing totally totally drunk. Girl even has a beer cup in hand… Which she won’t let go of for the rest of the night.
But she looks like a million bucks. And I bet that pussy tastes so too.
Huddah is the hypeman for the night. And that’s the start of great things.
The place is slowly filling up… And more and more and more…
Huddah’s whole belly is out. Her erect titties are so tight and prominent at this point now I am starting to see why those retired Italian Farmers like her.
She’s wearing some barely-there hotpants that’ve squeezed that gorgeous little ass into one sexy ball of nothing but human groceries.
DJ Creme won’t stop hyping up the crowd and asking us whether we’re feeling alright. He also won’t stop saying ‘They Call me The Creme de la Creme…’ and making all the girls go wild as they adjust their soiled panties.
Party is ooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!!!
The place is magnificent… There’s hundreds of little Christmas-esque lights dazzling from the skies held together from tent to tent. There are scores of guys chilling at the corners smoking sixteen kilos of Shisha per minute. And girls too. Suck it,Njoki Cheap,oops,Chege.
The stage itslef is a brilliant work of nothing but sheer excellence… The sound is so powerful it can topple a Democratically elected Government. And the DJs, who include DJ John Rabar of Homeboyz, Yes,the DJ John Rabar,are doing a tremendously amazing job.
The crowd is lit as a maafaka. More girls are pouring in. Miss B is shaking her little booty so hard I’m afraid it’ll fall off. Kate won’t stop making new drunk friends. Irari is still cuddling his girl and Amon wants us to go smoke Shisha.
The place is on FIIIIIRRRREEEEEE!!!!!
Khaligraph Jones is on stage now…. And it’s almost midnight…
It’s now 10 seconds from midnight…. 10 seconds away from a whole new Year!
Mr. Mbesha is off the stage now… Good job,by the way. Good performance he did.
The lights are off… The music goes down… No one’s talking and DJ Creme takes the mic… Time for the countdown…
10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2…….1
It’s 2016!!! Crowds erupt in one thunderous applause!!! The cheers could be heard from as far Downtown Moscow.
There’s one disappointment though…. There are NO fireworks!!! No fuckin fireworks!! What nonsense!!!
No New Year’s Eve Party is ever complete without fireworks! Not one! I am deeply deeply disappointed and I wish I didn’t even come here.
Before long,Kagwe Mungai comes on stage. I don’t know who decided that this jamaa can entertain. His whole show is ABSOLUTE RUBBISH. Goats in my village can perform better if trained.
To start with,he looked like a recovering Transgender drug addict. And danced like one.
I didn’t hear one word he said and neither did anyone. I didn’t understand his songs too or why-and for whom-he even sings them.
Nigga forgets to sing his own songs now and starts performing some other random songs he’s gathered up from the top of his head. His whole show is a lesson on How NOT to perform.
It’s painful to watch him. And suicidal to hear him croak.
He takes a billion hours on stage…. I’ve never had my time wasted so much. By someone so undeserving.
But because God is good,and hears the cries of His people,Kagwe Mungai steps off stage. What a relief! Not just for me but for the whole populace scattered allover Manera Farm. Horror is real people. It’s real.
And after an hour of DJ mixes and much EDM, It’s time for the KING OF THE NIGHT! PATORANKING!
Naija Superstar Patoranking on stage
For those not in the know,Patoranking is that ka-Nigerian guy who did the smash hit ‘My Woman,My Everything’ and a few other songs that we all don’t remember by now.
DJ Creme welcomes the King of the Night on stage and it’s FIIIIIRRRREEEEEE!
His appearance drives the whole place wild. Girls scream themselves insane. Everyone whips out their phones to record his majestic entrance on stage… People fall over each other and almost demolish the stands erected to keep crowds away. Security is experiencing a nightmare. Girls flock to the front in their hundreds as some other 20 girls or so pour onto the stage to hug and love and get naked for Mr. Patoranking.
Naija guy gives a killer show… Dressed in some red attire and feminine strap shoes that he later gives to some weird ugly bitch who wouldn’t just leave the stage and go to hell or somewhere.
After performing a string of songs we largely didn’t know,he launches into My Woman,My Everything and again,the whole place erupts in cheers and excitement.
Huddah Monroe even stops nursing her headaches and pounces back on stage to give him the booty dance of the Year.
More and more girls have filled the stage now… Patoranking cannot even move in peace… Huddah Monroe is bending that ass over so hard I almost heard her spine snap.
Everyone is stepping on me. I can’t see Miss B. Kate got lost three hours ago. I am sure Amon is f**kin someone in my car and the Irari couple can be seen taking videos from a corner.
It’s 3.00am…It’s cold and crowded. I am drunk and tired and hungry.
‘Cabu Gaaahhhh’ the same girl who was screaming my name earlier has finally found me.
I turn around and hug her so tight I guess I fractured her ribs….
‘Who are you with? ‘I ask…
‘Some pals… But wameenda Naivasha tao… Wanakam… ‘
‘So you’re currently on your OWN here?’ I ask,my Team Mafisi Membership card coming out.
‘Yeah… ‘ she answers drunkenly.
‘Can we go chill in my car…?’ I ask…
‘Sure… Why not!? ‘
Ladies and gentlemen,I’m about to start my Year…In someone…..
(Check Out Some More Pics on the Next Page)
