TRIBAL TROUBLES: After We Did The One On LUOS,Now,This Is The Problem With KIKUYU Girls.

After we did the first part of the series ‘TRIBAL TROUBLES’,We now move on swiftly to the next tribe. I did try,albeit controversially,to analyze and point out the Achilles heel in the Luo tribe as far as the girls are concerned. And now,I’ll wade into even deeper waters; The Kikuyu Tribe.

Much has been said,both jocularly and matter-of-factly,about the Kikuyu girls. From comedy halls to the Internet,we’ve been flooded with what is typical of the girl from the Central area of Kenya.

Most of it may be true. Most,just malicious.

But having dated girls from these areas,and having boys who’ve loved these girls,not forgetting daily occurrences from these areas that we watch on TV,I feel that I can as well do an analysis on the Kikuyu Girl.

She has her strengths. And that’s good.

Now,onto her weaknesses….

THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH KIKUYU GIRLS.

They’re Poor Cooks
I’ve not met a Kikuyu Girl that can whip up a meal that left me not just full but also drooling over it’s taste and deliciousness. I’ve eaten meals from Kikuyu girls but most of it were just a sorry mish-mash of worthless cookery and painstaking additives. She’s a beautiful girl,this one, but her food was hell and you needed some serious thick skin to pull through dinner time and still smile at her after the horrendous meal. It’s either undercooked or overcooked or roasted or plain tasteless. And she won’t even care. It’s you against the World. Worse still,she will expect you to praise her culinary skills. But you MUST. Or else….

Disobedient… And Stubborn…
A typical Kikuyu girl,though not all,will want you to play by her rules. However stupid and self-centered they are. She isn’t the type you ask to do stuff and then she sprints to action. You’re doomed if you dare order her around. They hate commands. And love to act like they call the shots. Heck,in all areas. She is hard to bring to obedience. And difficult to effectively deal with as far as execution of duties is concerned. Pure hell,this one.

Lazy… Somehow
While she might be excellent at running a business and making that money,when it comes to house chores,she does a sore sore job. Washing utensils and cooking meals and fixing the living room is really too much work for her. She’d rather sit and watch movies all day. Hell,you will need to push her to make the bed! She isn’t proactive. And can let stuff sit unattended for as long as her senses remain absent from her mind. Lazing about can be her Forte. And that can seriously suck. I know it because I’ve seen it.

Poor Homemakers…
Refer to point above. As for this one,tyding up to house and putting stuff in order and bringing in a whole new,fresh vibe to the house is really not her priority. Like I said,she’d rather rot on that sofa you bought her than sweep the carpet.

Evil Schemers…
The many horror stories we’ve watched from places like Nyeri and Kiambu are enough to form our judgment on this particular point. This girl is the type that will sit up all night figuring out how to make you disabled. Or how to acid-attack you. Or how to gorge out your eyes. When she’s evil,she’s evil. She will plan your death with the ease with which she plans a salon date. Anger her at your own risk. She ain’t easy to get away from. Call her the Black Widow.

Violent…

Pushed to a corner,and exasperated,this woman will very easily pick a major fight with you. Not just verbal,but if need be,physical too. Tales of how they’ve dominated men have made headlines for years. Even their Queen,Wangu wa Makeri,offers enough legend to the manner in which these women treat their men. They are almost always braced for war. And are almost always ready to rise up and physically defend themselves. Using their bare lethal hands or the nearest,crudest weapon. Cue,Nyeri women.

Gossipy
When it comes to extreme gossip,and spending all day consumed in the affairs of the next guy,you can’t beat this girl. The Kikuyu girl will jump at any opportunity that provides a gossip session. She loves talking about her peers to death. And even though almost all women,from almost all tribes love gossip,the Kikuyu girl has a special place in her heart for this sort of under-the-counter conversations. She’s the Queen of the hush-hush.

Poor In Bed
Yup, I said it. Outrageous as it may be,the Kikuyu girl is not exactly the craziest thing you took to bed. Most of them are a disgrace to the act of lovemaking. All she does is sit there,clueless and mood less,letting you,downcast fellow,to excite her and do whatever you want with her as fast as possible. She won’t show any emotions or skill or anticipation for the act. No monkey flips on bed. Infact she will frown at every technique you introduce in bed. All she wants is just to lie there. And bore you sore. That’s her primary desire.

Too Materialistic
I needn’t expound on this. We’ve all experienced it. Or heard about it. Or even dreamt about it. Heck,our parents have warned us about this particular trait in her. It’s so embedded in her… It’s part of her DNA.

Jealousy
When to comes to developing a cold heart towards the girl next door,who happens to have a better car,or better hair or better house or better hubby or better kids,you can’t quite match the Kikuyu girl. And even on this one,I will add,all women are jealous but the intensity with which this particular girl applies her jealousy is alarming. She will try and do all she can to stop your shine. And make you look a hundred times worse than her. Competitiveness is in her nature and thus,you looking better than her,talking better than her and doing better than her really puts her off. She can’t and won’t let you shine. It kills her. To bits.

Dudes,there you have it. The typical,regular Gikuyu girl for you. Ready to take the plunge? It’s up to you! I’m dating one anyway!

TOMORROW : THE PROBLEM WITH KISII GIRLS.