“Why Women Cheat”: A Response to Njoki Chege’s “Why Men Cheat”. Shots Fired Guys!

So, last week, fearless and straightforward writer/ blogger, Njoki Chege, gave women another reason to hate on one of their own when she put on paper what everyone talks about but is not bold enough to put in black and white.

Anyway, Njoki’s piece is still eliciting sharp reactions, a week later! The latest to respond to the “creative writer who enjoys creating worlds with words” and self-proclaimed City Girl is rabble-rouser in chief, Cabu Gah.

Here’s what he wrote;

“Last Week,a little girl with the looks of a troll and the smile of a raccoon blew up the internets….Calling her fellow Women ‘FAT’ and ‘Boring’ ! What cheek!

Never mind she didn’t exactly look like Sharon Mundia of ThisisEss or Brenda Wairimu. Nope.

Her overall look isn’t anything to write home about either…I mean,You don’t attack Women by chiding their physical appearance when a You look like a cornered rat Yourself.

That aside.

Njoki,the tiny rabble-rouser pretended to be a MAN…And wore the cloak of a Man….to advocate for ALL MEN.

So,I,today,will pretend to be a woman…Pretend to TOTALLY and wholeheartedly understand a Woman,dive into her stilettos and tell YOU WHY WOMEN CHEAT….And,Just like her,advocate for the Whole Female species…

And without further ado….

THS IS WHY WOMEN CHEAT.

1. You are FAT. Yes,I followed that same Njoki cue on this one. Ladies LOOOVE a sporty Man;With chiseled abs,a contoured chest and Almighty muscles….Not a fat,pot-belly piece of flesh….With a chest that resembles a War zone and a stomach so huge You could hide under it in case of an attack in Lamu. No. Ladies dont want a Man with No relatable shape …A Man that looks like something a child drew. No! They want Usher. Not Rick Ross. They already own a pair of boobs. They DON’T NEED YOUR pair too! Cut that shit!

2. YOU ARE SKINNY. Just Because they asked You to cut all that fat,Doesn’t mean that they asked You to go all out and emaciate Yourself! And then end up looking like a minor character in a CNN Documentary on Famine in Ethiopia. No. Cut the crappy fat,BUT still maintain a BODY. No lady wants to lie on Your skinny ass chest…No lady wants to wake up next to something that looks like it fell from the Wardrobe overnight! Eat,Bro,Eat. Its a shame to have those ribs sticking out like that! And that pelvic bone hurts her during sex! Eat an egg or two. Cover up those shameless bones splitting her soul up anytime You hug her!

3. YOU ARE A LYING, CHEATING BASTARD.
Mostly,Women wont start CHEATING Until You Do! Yeah,Right! You heard Me! They will patiently sit there….Watch You cheat,Watch You act all sneakt and cheeky,Watch You setting up random rendezvous with Sheila,Watch You switch off Your phone and disappear all Weekend and DECIDE,ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Am Cheating on this Piece of Shit too! Dammit,I am! So,Keep acting funny….Keep seeing those little hoes,Keep lying and Keep sneaking around,coz she’s about to flip that table on Your ass,and,Unlike You,she won’t cheat with a cheap,low-life school dropout from Kariobangi.NO. She will GO BIG. And cheat On You proper! With Your County Governor. Endelea.

4. YOUR BED GAME SUCKS.
Sure,Yes! If You can’t ride that ass under the sheets,Please get up,dress up and make room for a man who can! Not sneaking onto her like a Serengeti Vulture and confusing her with Your crap and then,less than 3 minutes later,You’ve already ‘cum’ and are now rolling over like a sack of Watermelons in Githurai. No. Ride that ass. Drive her crazy! Let her scream! And grab the sheets! And lose herself! You either do that OR SHE WILL FIND a Man who will. Drive her crazy. Or Drive Your ass home! And if she will still stay with You,even with Your horrible,horrible sex,then,she WILL CHEAT.

5. YOU FORGOT SHE EXISTS.
Women LOOOOVE ATTENTION. BADLY. If there is anything she would die to get from You,its ATTENTION. Be attentive to her. As You are Attentive to the 9 O’Clock News. Notice anything new in her. Notice her new hairstyle… Manicure…Earrings… Notice her. The moment You STOP Noticing her,that’s the Moment she will look for it elsewhere. While You were too busy Noticing the new sparkle in Your car rims,Another guy is now too busy Noticing how those shoes perfectly match with her clutch bag. Endelea kuzubaa…

6. YOU ARE TOO MEAN.
Yup,I said it. Every,And I mean,Every Woman LOVES to be spoilt. Once in a while. Others,Everyday. And yet others,Occasionally. Go ahead,GRAB HER that ka-dress. Or jewellery. Or wine. Or shoes. Anything. I mean,Reach out for Your damn wallet and actually spend some shit on her! Doesn’t have to be too costly…But SPOIL her,Anyway. Otherwise, she will get a Ninja who can. A guy with a Real wallet. Not just a useless piece of camel leather. She is tired of the Njahi and Madondo plain. How about a trip to TRM today,Mr.Mean Guy??!!? Or Imma find Me a secret guy who can afford it?!!??

7. YOUR CONSTANT,BASELESS ALLEGATIONS.
Well,What Do I mean by that?? I mean,If You keep accusing her of sleeping with her boss,let’s call him Jim,and she is NOT actually sleeping with Jim,You may tempt her. Anytime she is late,You ask her whether she was with that fool Jim. She received a phone call,You suspect its from that fool Jim. She buys HERSELF a new shoe,You accuse her of receiving gifts from Jim. You guys have a small fight,You remind her that You are NOT Jim. Or even encourage her to “Go to that Jim”….One day,she will GET TIRED of Your constant, false accusations. She will tell You time and again that she and Jim have absolutely NOTHING going On. But You won’t believe her! And so one day,she will get fed up with Your insecurity,fed up with Your baseless allegations and fed up of Your jealousy. She will be hurt…And pissed off and disappointed in Your lack of faith and trust in her….And she will ACTUALLY CHEAT ON YOU with that Jim You’ve always suspected! She will prove You right! Because You pushed her too far…Way too far! Yes,You actually encouraged her to do it!

8. YOU GOT BORED OF HER COOKIE.
Truth be told,Regular cookie CAN BE BORING. Eating from the same damn pot can be boring. Quite boring, I know. And,somehow, You may end up getting bored of her cookie. And totally FORGET to eat it at all. Sometimes,You might find it hard to get hard (see what I did there) whenever she is naked around You…..But No matter what,whether its boring or Not,YOU MUST EAT It! And Cherish it…Love it or atleast pretend to! Eat it at all times…Never neglect her cookie. Or act bored of it. Because the moment You do,she will find a Man excited enough to dive into it like a scuba-diver in the Ruwenzori Falls…so,its either You give it to her,No matter how bored You are of it,Or she will have to organize random rendezvous with ANY random guy just to give it to Him. And by random guy I mean Random. Just Anyone. Including the Milk Guy. Or Your son’s Maths teacher.
She has sexual needs too,Mr.Clueless. Keep starving her.

WATCH OUT!!!

Well,I know some Women will Agree with this Article 100%…..Others will Only agree around 70%…And yet Others will Only agree with just a couple points…

As for the Men,I am hiding under a rock as I am writing this article…I hope I will be safe from Your attacks.

Aaaand that’s WHY WOMEN CHEAT!”