CABU GAH DIARIES: Kiss TV; The Kenyan Entertainment Rebel.
Kiss TV has been in existence for like a million years now. Not exactly the most bubbling TV station,or the station with the funkiest TV shows,Kiss TV refuses to go away. Even when it should have a thousand Years ago.
When Kiss TV started we weren’t sure what exactly was going on. We still aren’t sure. Starting with it’s crop of some of the blandest and,I dare say,doziest TV presenters ever,Kiss TV is a train that just wont stop wrecking. Over and over again.
It started off with a bang….And trailed off into pure insipidness. At first,the concept was nonpareil. And the idea of a 24-hour Music channel appealed sooooo much to music-starved Kenyans in an age where the proliferation of music shows hadn’t quite caught on as it has now.
They played music video after music video…But in all fairness,most of the music videos were a bland replay of the same old videos we’d seen a billion times the previous day. Undaunted,Kiss TV pressed on. Feeding us with a monotonous diet of a menu that we had savored months ago and had gotten sick of. That,however,didn’t stop the station from sticking to the same old repetitious routine. Or drowning us in a sea of boredom.
At some point,Kiss TV lost the plot completely. And in a bid to quite understand itself or why the hell it even existed in the first place,the Management,which I assume was as vapid as the music they’d been putting out,decided to introduce some local shows…and National News broadcasts in it’s retinue with quite an array of talent including Dennis Okari. And the disdainful,Ramah Nyang. And also some Jeff Koinange-esque talk show hosted by the genius,John-Sibi Okumu. Or JSO as they preferred to romanticize his name.
The “New Kiss” hit the ground running…doing odd news reports at hours as odd as 8pm. They’d read their bland news an hour after we had already watched it on other actual TV stations already or an hour before we would watch it on the other actual TV stations anyway. Epic fail. You DO NOT read news at 8pm. Not unless it Breaking News. Involving 45 terrorists.
News aside,Kiss TV plunged its little knackered neck into the murky Nigerian Movies waters…Filling our hallowed TV screens with the crappiest,blandest,flatest,most tedious and most lackluster Nigerian Movies. And this went on all day. For days. And days.
And as if their pestilential Nigerian Movie lineup wasn’t already suicidal,Kiss TV decided to go a notch higher and add more poison to its already toxic entertainment retinue by pouring in some VERNACULAR KENYAN MOVIES into the crappy mix! Dear Lord! Vernacular Kenyan Movies! Phew! The sun seemed to stop….for a minute.
To add to Your already bored days watching underscripted Nigerian flicks,You were also forced to contend with chickenshit Kikuyu movies. And Kalenjin Movies. And Kamba Movies. Luo,Kisii and Meru too. Phew!
That,like all other Kiss TV tricks,didn’t work. It couldn’t work,anyway. Nothing they tried ever did.
Undaunted,Kiss TV went a step further and,relying on its usually noxious advice,decided to,yet again,relaunch the station kicking away JSO and his 8.30pm talk-cum-sleep show and all of its baneful movie lineup.
The RE-BRANDING was hyped up to heaven and back. On all of its’ mother stations and social media and pretty much anywhere else You would be tempted to hype up the rebranding of a dying juggernaut.
And after months of keeping Kenyans waiting…For that paradisaical rebrand,the day came. 9th December,2013 to be precise. We had been promised bagfuls of apples and stars and cascading waters and glowing skies. Our appetite for a “New Kiss” had been soooo tapped at,they left us drooling at gasping for that big day.
The day,however wasn’t as big as we had expected. Save for a few graphics that bamboozled us and a couple catchy signature tunes that whiffed into us,the rebrand was a joke. Just like the station had always been,anyway. And Kenyans wasted no time in jumping to social media,especially that evil agent of consternation,Twitter,to air out their views. And,boy,the views were overwhelmingly NEGATIVE. As we reported HERE. Or as other people thought HERE.
And even when we asked readers what they thought of the Rebrand,here were the results. Still more negative reviews streamed in from almost all quarters.
Kiss TV had decided to go full throttle…And,considering that it was dead,anyway,decided to jump at and lurch on pretty much anything to keep it sailing. Talk of a drowning Man. From an array of shows to a feature on socialites to a segment on entertainment news to an assemblage of Old Western Artists’ concerts,Kiss TV had clutched at anything. And,essentially,ended up falling flat. As usual.
Unbowed,the noise went on. And it got worse with the arrival of one Angeline Wanjeri on our TV screens. With her irksome voice,garish fashion sense,vexatious laughter and indecorous dresses,Angeline further drove away masses from the station.
And then came some two scrawny boys yelling “ROROA” and that was it. Kiss TV had breathed its last. But Alas! The station wasn’t going anywhere…It decided to stay on. And rock on…And entertain nobody,as it always did.
And even with the much-touted rebrand,the lethargic “Total-request-Live” program was never quite axed. It stayed on…And,just like it has always been for the last 6 Years,we were still required to request a song. And watch a list of the “Coming Next” song…All of which were printed on a eye-repelling pink screen.
Kiss TV has,this Year alone,been ranked at Number 7,or bottom 3,of the Most Watched TV stations in Kenya.
And to show just how low it really ranked,Kiss TV was eclipsed by KBC(KBC!) AND Qtv as one of Kenya’s Most Watched TV stations. I was shocked to learn that MORE people watched KBC than watched Kiss TV.
But still,the Rebel refused to care. Or worry. Or change tact.
The rebel rocked on…Played on….And kept “entertaining” its ghostly pack of viewers.
Hail Kiss TV,The REBEL of Kenya’s Entertainment. And even though the station will never go anywhere,the station ain’t going anywhere!
Live with it! As You always have!
