CABU GAH DIARIES: Here Is The Complete A-Z List Of A Kenyan Christmas. If You DO NOT Party Like This,You Ain’t Having A Christmas,Baby.
Christmas is here with us. Time to party,celebrate,turn up,get loose,get crazy,spend,show love and turn shit up!
As from tomorrow,90% of Humanity will have closed business and started the annual pilgrimage to either the village, tourist destinations or random parties to spend what they’ve toiled sooooo hard for all Year. Money is about to be spent like nobody’s business. Alcohol is about to be consumed like The World’s End. Women are about to go ratchet as hell…And villages are about to witness the arrival of thousands of city-dwellers. Nairobi will be empty. And the World is about to stand still…For 2 weeks. Here’s HOW TO SPEND YOUR Christmas. Complete list From A-Z.
A-A Child Is Born! A popular Chorus…Popular slogan…Popular chant1 Hail the Baby Boy!
B-BANK. You are about to witness massive massive queues of people lines up outside Bank ATMs in an attempt to withdraw that all important cash in readiness for a major party that night. Banks will see a increase of people too…there will be crowds and crowds of people in all Banks…either cashing a cheque, withdrawing, depositing, doing sooo damn much. Money is a major issue here. And Banks will be the busiest ever. Especially on 24th Of December. Its about to get crazy.
C-CHURCH. A Kenyan Christmas is incomplete without that very important trip to the Church. Even folks who’ve long lost their faith in God or long forgotten the direction to the nearest Church will find themselves stumbling into Church, impeccably dressed. Church’s will record a stratospheric spike in the number of throngs and throngs of people vising them. Families will flock in. In humongous numbers.
D-DANCE. Nobody dances like a paid Kenyan. We looooove to dance. Anywhere and everywhere. In clubs,on cars,be the roadside, in house parties, by the street…Anywhere. And with the proliferation of Nigerian and Jamaican Dancehall tunes onto our dancefloors,expect mad scenes of mad dances. From Nairobi to Embu to Kisumu.
E-ENO. Eno is that fast-acting effervescent fruit salts, used as an antacid and reliever of bloatedness,and one of the MOST POPULAR powder-drink used by people who are suffering from a bloated stomach,constipation,uneasiness caused by food and such-like complications. And because we loooove to eat,the sale of Eno sachets will be higher than the sale of Condoms. Expect in Mombasa,Haha.
F-FOOD. Food,food,food will be everywhere. All types of food. From all homes and all corners. We are entering into a food festival. Brace Yourself. And come prepared. To eat. Hard.
G-GOD. We shall surely remember God in sooooo many ways….Because, wherever we will go, His name shall be all over the Place. It’s His Son’s Birthday, duh??! And because we shall be visiting (And staying with our Mothers) expect the mentions of God to be higher than usual. It’s a Religious Holiday, after all.
H-HOUSE PARTIES. Kenyan will do anything to throw a party. We throw a party when we are happy. And throw a party when we a sad. We throw a party when we win. And still throw one when we lose. We throw a party when we get paid. And still throw one when we are broke. We must always find a reason for a party. Especially a House Party. Expect millions of House Parties in Millions of Kenyan Homes this Holiday. Especially if it’s raining outside…And folks can’t go out to a club or sum’n.
I-Hmmmm what does I stand for?? Anyone??
J-JESUS! He is The Son Of God! And it’s His Birthday! He will Be the center of attention this whole Holiday. At least to the bigger part of the Kenyan Population. The rest will be too drunk to remember Him. Too stoned to know who He is. Or too horny to care. Mungu wasamehee.
K-KENYA BREWERIES. You know what I mean. No need to explain. Or expound.
L-LOVE. People are expected to show huuuuge huuuge love over such a holiday. Hugs will be in plenty. Kisses will flow…Gifts will be spread all across…Families will visit,Mothers will be delighted to see their beloved kids and Pastors shall spend days reminding us of the virtues of Love at this particular season. Be ready to be loved. Loved hard. Oh,and be ready to love back a brother too. No homo,though….
M-MBUZI. Nothing says a Kenyan Christmas than a trip to the local Mbuzi market in search of that fat,strong and healthy he-goat. Mbuzis will be slaughtered in huuuuge numbers. Slaughterhouses will be jammed…By throngs and throngs of people dragging along their Mbuzis ready for kuchinjwa. It ain’t Christmas yet until a Mbuzi sheds its poor blood. Just like Jesus did. How ironical.
N-NIECES AND NEPHEWS. This is that time of the Year when You get to see all those little kiddos that Your elder brothers and sisters brought to the World. These Young angels will be all over the villages…visiting Cucu and Guka and going to the local village Church,dressed like little gods and speaking that very sharp Nairobi English. They will be found allover the place. Dancing and playing and crying and looking toooo cute and tooo yummy. Bless them…
O-OKOA JAHAZI. Given that this is the time when phone calls are made incessantly and credit cards are bought almost every 30 minutes,expect the number of people pressing that very helpful *131# button to shoot up to the high skies. And given that most people will be in the villages,where shops can be really far or really under-equipped, the number of people Okoa’ing Jahazi from the Tech Giant Safaricom will hit the Millions. We all need to make phone calls. All the time. Its Christmas,Baby!
P-PHOTOS. We all loooooooooove photos. And given that we live in an age of Smartphones and dumb bitches,expect the number of selfies and family photos to just go insanely high! We will be taking photos from everywhere…In the village,in bed,in parties,on road trips,in church,with our nieces,parents,family,old friends…You are about to enter a photo-fest. Be ready. And have a killer smile. You never know where the photo will end up. You never know.
Q-QUEER BEHAVIOR. Otherwise known as Ratchetness. This is where half-schooled mortals decide to get drunk as hell and,because they are not the smartest individuals alive,or the most decorus,they decide to turn up the party by acting all queer. Dancing on tables,going nude,yelling at nothing, screaming like fools,twerking on their heads,having random sex…blah blah blah. Expect a lot of queer behavior,my friend. Aloooot of it!
R-ROAD TRIPS. Give a Kenyan a car,some money,some alcohol and friends. And the next thing You will hear is “Roadtrip!” Yeaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! We love road trips. Endless ones. You shall be seeing them…driving down to the Coast or Nanyuki or Naivasha or Nakuru or Meru. There shall be endless cars on our roads…All in pursuit of that roadtrip thrill. Bring it on,Bitches!! We’re about to blow shit up!
S-SANTA. Its Christmas. And Santa is the global Christmas Ambassador. Especially for kids. “Hooo-Hooo-Hooo” here cometh the laughter!
T-TREE. As,In Christmas TREE. If You ain’t cutting down that random pine tree in the neighbourhood, to later drag it to Your house and adorn it with cards and glitters and holiday miniature dolls,then Your Christmas ain’t quite complete. But we all grew up with Christmas trees. And we shall never outgrow them. Never.
U-UTENSILS. Hakuna kitu mbaya kama kuosha vyombo za Christmas. Nothing worse!
V-VACATION. The whole meaning of Holiday is to indulge in vacations,anyway. From 3-day trips to Zanzibar,to romantic trips to Mombasa and secret rendezvous to Malindi,this is the holiday of vacations. Hotels are fully-booked. And beaches will be full as hell. Time to vacation,Baby! Kevin Hart-style.
W-WEAVES. Wait and see the amount of weaves You are about to start seeing on Kenyan female heads. Gold weaves,red weaves,long,short,cropped,curly,fresh,expensive,super cheap,crappy and poorly-installed. You will see it all!
X-X-RATED BEHAVIOR. That’s a code word for SEX. Alooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot of sex! Provided you use a condom,and try to not have sex with Your friend’s girl. Or Your neighbour’s wife…It shall be well with You. Carry On…And make it sweet.
Y-YUMMY. It’s a month of sweeeeet things. Yummy things. Tasty things. Gorgeous things. From food to music to people to sodas to family,It shall all be a yummy affair! Top to bottom.
Z-ZZZZZZZZZZ. Time to sleep is here. And because You are not expected to wake up as early as You usually do,and can actually sleep all day if You wish,there will be millions of sleepy heads allover the Country. People will be waking up as late as 10am. Or 12 midday. Or not waking up at all. All day. Till January 3rd. When they will finally report back to the jobs they pretend to love. And resume waking up at 5.30am. Urrrrgh.
Aaaaaand with those very very few remarks,(Ok,Kidding ) HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. Aaaaaand DO NOT go broke. While trying to impress…….
