CABU GAH DIARIES: And Now,After I Brought You The A-List And The B-List,Here Now Is The C-List Kenyan Celebrities. And Boy,You’d Hate To Be On This List.

 

 

Celebrities,just like school students,have rankings. The Best performers,just like the best students,are ranked as A-list Celebrities. The Second Best Performers are ranked as B-list. And so on…And so forth….

If If You’ve not been following this trilogy,well,You can catch up with it here for Part 1. Or here for Part 2.

Now,today,I will,once again,very fairly and impartially,attempt to rank another batch of Kenyan celebrities according to their social status,bank balance,showbiz visibility, street cred,bankability, social media clout and general charisma and allure.

The celebrities I am about to rank in the C-list belong in the C-list because, unlike their A-list mates,or B-list contemporaries,these C-listers are what I would very liberally call a bunch of real struggling celebrities.

Or celebrities who don’t even deserve the name celebrity. But still,because they boast a minimal amount of publicity,because they still posses some sort of flimsy talent and because they’re kind of known,still,they are celebs.

But truth is; their celebrity value is lower than the porn volume in a crowded library.

Phew!

Here is the list….And,good friend,thou art damned if thou art in this list. But not more damned than the guys in the D-list…Whose names I MAY make public tomorrow.

Come with Me….

Here is Cabu Gah’s list of Kenya’s C-list Celebrities….

1. Jimwat
This kid used to be the ish way back in 2004. When he brought You Paulina….And then he really really blew up when he did that very classic Kumbe Ni Under 18 jam. But after that,alcoholism took over…And Jim would frequent dinghy bars more than he would frequent a recording studio. And,expectedly, his career tanked. Real hard. And,to this minute,Brother Jimmy has been absolutely unable to resuscitate his very dead career…But because he’s still trying,he deserves the C-list.

2. Betty Bayo
She actually used to be an A-list celebrity. Wayyyy back when she did that Eleventh Hour monster jam. But then,by a stroke if very bad luck,she met,fell in love with and married a potassium permanganate adherent. And her career went south real quick. She lost it. Completely. And,even though she’s been trying to bounce back,she’ll need more than a miracle. A real miracle,though. Not those 310 gimmicks.

3. Nyota Ndogo
She still has a very sweet voice. If only she could stop the sideshows now…And just do music. From picking up fights with Huddah and Mustapha and Eric Omondi and everything in between, this Queen of the Coast just decided to go rogue. And doesn’t seem to worry too much of where she stands. Or who cares. She’s currently NOT in the country by the way…she’s in Denmark enjoying life with her Danish boyfriend,Henning Nielsen. Who cares about music when a Danish boyfriend can always whisk you to some exotic resort??

4.Mr. Lenny
I didn’t even know this one still existed. Someone just tipped me. But seriously,isn’t the C-list too good for him? I think D-list will do.

5. Marya
Yes,that Ogopa Deejays mama who,after dating that other loser Mustapha,and ended up getting dumped like a bag of donuts in Kariobangi,started dating a whole lot of other nondescript wazees allover South C. And ended up adding so much weight she looked like an extra in a Madea Movie. Whooop! And,to be fair,girl had NO talent at all to start with. No fuckin talent! Woooiiii.

6. Mustapha
He dated the girl above. If You can have the temerity to date Marya,You are as good as dead. And,to be honest,Mustapha is as good as dead really. Plus I heard he started a clothing line? And named it LOBOKO? Brother,If You can give such a loser name to a fashion line,You are an insult to showbiz. Loboko sounds like a whore in Lagos. A-beg Oooo!

7. Kendi
She used to record with Ogopa Deejays. Oops,I meant Calif Records. But everything went under,and after dating a string of not-so-wealthy white fellows,she settled for hosting Karaoke Nights along Moi Avenue. Hosting Karaoke Nights! Oh! What a brilliant move! Go,girl! The sky,sorry,roof,is the limit…

8.Bobbi Mapesa
He’s the Beast. The Original Bad Boy. And the King of Flow. No,seriously! Lakini Jo….Either he forgot to rap. Or just got tired. He tried making a comeback juzi but still,naaaah. Bro used to be real fine. Now…well….it’s a whole ‘nother story. He’s still got the vibe tho…And the mojo.

9. Habida
She brought You Sunshine….that veeeery euphonic jam that she did with Nameless. But after that, she disappeared. Only to re-appear with a husband. Well,getting hitched is NOT exactly the best way to remain on top. Congrats for the ring tho,girl. Marriage is a better thing to trade your superstardom with. Better thing.

10. Chantel
She did Toklezeaaa….And then she potelezeaaad. And then she toklezeaad again …with a video producer husband! And,then she poteleaaad. Again. I mean,You are lucky to even remain known with all these peekaboo games!

11. Risper Faith
Huyu ni ule msichana ambaye alitingiza madiaba kwa ile wimbo ya ile kijana naitwa Blaqy. Boy,was that the WORST twerk ever! Like,WORST. TWERK. EVER. Plus that whole vibe…the wardrobe, the buttcrack,the cellulite,the weave,the fat,the belly…Aaaaiiii,No way! She’s got all the ingredients of a C-list. All!

12. Bigpin
This chap used to be an A-lister too. I mean,he used to rap with the legend himself,E-Sir. But after the very sudden and untimely death of The King Of Nairobi,Bigpin kinda lost the plot. And beside that very infectious eponymous monster hit Bigpin,Bigpin never really did anything else worth anyone’s attention. Including his own. He’s the Beast from the C-list. Wait,that’s a rhyme!

13. Kenrazzy
Kenrazzy is the guy that does ALL the Grandpa Records songs. He’s in them all….somehow. Razzy was hot back then…but never really made it to the A-list. He’s still doing his thang today… But he’s not half as hot. He’s got potential to jump to the B-list tho. He’s got the potential.

14. Pendo
Ok,this is D-list material. Or E-list. End of story.

15. Bamboo
How one of Kenya’s BEST RAPPERS EVER fell so hard and so low…I have no idea. Bamboo,ladies and gentlemen,is Kenya’s KRS-One. I consider him the Best Kenyan MC ever. Sad he’s in the C-list. But hey,his sister winning tho….

16. Shiro wa GP…
I know You’re all asking “Ati Who??” Well,she’s quite a huge name in the Kikuyu World. Tembea Mathioya. Utaambiwa. Still,she’s a C-list. Big name in Mathioya or not.

17.Linda Muthama
She already was a C-list even before she divorced Nyambane. And now after she divorced him,her star is about to shine even dimmer. And dimmer. She’ll be in the Z-list by December 2015. Ngoja uone.

18. Obinna
Whoever thinks faking a Nigerian accent is still funny in 2015 deserves to be in the C-list. Bad.

19. Chiwawa
Just like his bro,Bamboo,with whom he appears in the same list, this modafuckka is one of the baddest to ever grab that mic! One of the BADDEST! And illest. And sickest. Still,he’s in the C-list. Shit,however ill you are,happens.

20.Shaniqua

The only reason s/he is here is because s/he started out just the other day…And is slowly but surely climbing the ladder…to the very top. But not so fast. Not when TV stations are still locked in a duel with the Government. Either way,this is one ‘celebrity’ whose star is shining real fast…and real bright. Watch this space…but still,s/he’s a C-lister. For now….

Well,I guess I am done here. As usual,this is MY list. I could be wrong. But then again,I am the writer here. And I stand by my thoughts.

Gotta different list? You know what to do.

But for now…the struggle,My people,is real!