KOT NONSENSE! No One Gives A Rat’s Ass About This Whole GES Meeting Anyway! At least I Don’t! So Spare The Kenyan Media! Please!

Since it was announced that Barack Obama was going to make his maiden visit to Kenya, the excitement has been so much,the feeling has been so ecstatic, the nation had been so buoyant, the emotions have been so thick… You could feel it in the air, land and sea.

Obama,ladies and gentlemen,is NOT just anybody. He’s not even the sneaky,soon-to-be-irrelevant Lupita Nyong’o. No. Obama is the MOST POWERFUL SOUL in the whole freakin’ universe! He’s the ultimate Rock Star! The Greatest crowd magnet(after the Catholic Pope) and the one of the most photographed-and talked about-personalities of the past 10 years. Worldwide.

He’s Barack H. Obama… A black man,of pure KENYAN origin, oh yes, who, by a stroke of either luck or magic or pure fate,ended up inhabiting the most POWERFUL houses on Earth; The White House. A house so fabled… So legendary… So iconic.

He ended up living in the same house,working in the same office that iconic American greats once were… John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt,Franklin D. Roosevelt,Dwight D. Eisenhower,John Quicny Adams…

Obama’s achievements are the stuff of legend. His story is the stuff from which blockbuster movies are made. His accomplishments read like a Quentin Tarantino Hollywood script,his unassailable rise to blinding grace is one of the greatest stories of the 21st Century, his mere tenancy at the white house elevated souls,empowered millions of colored people and changed the very course of history itself as we know it.

This is a man who won a NOBEL PRIZE an year after his election! Just an year! This is the man who made millions cry on TV, the man who melted the heart of the greatest Black female TV star, Oprah Winfrey,the man who galvanized the world with his powerful speeches,flawless oratory skills,dazzling charisma and extraordinary charm.

And above all that, above all those accomplishments and all that power,above all those titles and Grammy wins and bestseller books and Hollywood charm,this man IS THE SON OF KENYA. Direct son of Kenya!

Oh sh*t! Who wouldn’t be driven crazy by such a soul?! Heck! He’s the Ultimate Superstar! Hands down!

So,obviously,once a man of such million-dollar accomplishments comes calling,we are all mesmerized… We are all hypnotized. We are all dazed. We are all charmed. We are all beholden…

Yes, he came to launch some entrepreneurial business gathering of some bunch of techie elites and billionaire types, so what!!?? So effing what!!?

I saw twitter go up over the fact that the ‪#‎KenyanMedia‬, the same media that has been keeping these potentates engaged and updated all through,is now the bad guy.

I saw some so-called Twitter bigwigs,clowns who cannot even talk on camera or stitch up a comprehensible point on LIVE TV, going in on the Kenyan Media for focusing on the ‘sideshows’ and not telling us enough about the GES summit.

I saw these know-nothing group of smartphone-owning nobodies, with their disastrous grammar and insatiable desire to be noticed, jump on the Trending Topic to crucify the media… Gleeing at the Retweets they got and at the ‘Favorites’ they garnered.

I watched these clueless do-nothings,who’ve been farting all weekend, buried in their creaking couches with a remote in one hand and a stale beer can on the other, attempt to douse and vilify the hard-working members of the Kenyan press,who’ve endured long,sleepless nights since Obama came, for daring to scrutinize and break-down Obama’s showmanship and ‘Beast’ and mannerisms at the expense of ‘informing us about the GES Summit’

Oh please!

Show me one person who genuinely cares about the mumbo-jumbo they’re talking at that summit! Show me one person who even gives two rats about the economic talks… The commercial lectures and the entrepreneurial chats these rich blokes are having.

This same brain-dead Twitter clowns,busy bashing the media and calling for substantial coverage are the same twats who skived from Economics classes on college. This same little yap-mouths on Twitter calling out the Kenyan Media are the same school clowns who didn’t attend a single Business class… The same kids who slept through a Finance lecture and the same little clowns who failed disastrously in all finance-related papers!

And to see them on Twitter, stupidity and all,attacking the media with that oh-so-dry grammar and that negligible knowledge on anything media. Or media industry.

So who cares that Sir Richard Branson is around? Seriously, who!!??

So who cares that that Shark Tank guy is in town?? Who even knows that Shark Tank guy?? What the flapping hell is Shark Tank anyway??

So who cares that an assortment of some unknown global billionaires is in town? Who f*ckin’ cares that a bunch of super wealthy investment 70-year Olds are in town?

Who even wants to listen to some Middle-East billionaire who invests in gas and cotton and copper wires? Some 86-year old Israeli billionaire guy who no one even knows or has ever heard of? Some wealthy guy who probably doesn’t even like us??

NEWSFLASH: WE DON’T CARE!

Yes, even you,vocal Twitter blogger,whatever that is, don’t care either! I know that because I know you! Clown!

We want to see the BEAST. We want to know why it’s called the BEAST. We want to watch Obama touch down at the JKIA and soak in the moment.

We want to know what’s so special about the BEAST. We want to know that Auma Obama rode in the BEAST after picking up a younger Obama in a weather-beaten Beetle back in 1988.

We want to see photos of Obama taking dinner with his family…Smiling with them. We want to see Obama hugging Auma and reminiscing about the old days with her. We want to see Mama Sarah enjoying a dish of fish with her boy.

We want to see Obama’s motorcade… We want to see these powerful machines snaking their sleek way in and out of town. We want to be awed and mesmerized and taken away.

We want to see Obama in his true self… We want to know where Obama spent the night. We want to know what Obama ate. We want to hear Obama adopt our local slang language and we want to hear Obama say ‘Niaje Wasee’.

We want the White House glamor. We want to see the grandness. We want to see the might and power and awe that The Most Powerful Office on Earth is famous for.

Ain’t nobody got time for all these financial capital markets talks! Ain’t nobody got time for some goddam investment speeches that just won’t end. Or make sense.

Nobody cares about some West-African billionaire jamaa who wants to buy off the whole of Meru County and set up an Oil-refinery plant.

NOBODY CARES. Seriously, Nobody.

Millions upon millions of Kenyans want the Showbiz… The gossip… And the drama.

We want to see William Ruto shaking Obama’s hand. And we want to see Sauti Sol taking Obama through the Lipala dance.

It’s just a 3-day visit! A 3-day goddam visit from the GREATEST LIVING human being! Who also is Kenyan!

Who wants their 72 hours wasted by some entrepreneurship summit crowded by unknown folks and indecipherable speeches?!!!

The average guy in Eldoret,who is a construction worker,got very little time for Shark Tank or whatever. The average 33-year old single mother in Kisumu just wants to see Obama smile and enjoy his home country. The average guy in Mombasa,who runs a shoe stall,doesn’t give a sh*t about some complex elite business summit in Gigiri. He wants to see the Beast. He wants to watch Obama adopt our culture. He wants to see the other side of Obama.

And these are the people who ACTUALLY watch TV. And provide business to TV owners. And a salary to the TV hosts,anyway.

Want some financial talk? Want to learn how to be an investor? Go grab yourself a Donald Trump book and read! I see them on Tom Mboya street everyday anyway. Gathering dust.

You are NOT going to burden the Kenyan media with the business of dragging you out of poverty. If you were any good at entrepreneurship anyway,You would have been at Gigiri giving a talk. Like Sam Gichuru. Not on Twitter whining from the discomfort of your bed.

CONGRATS KENYA MEDIA! You’ve been doing great so far!

Keep feeding us with the sideshows… Because,let’s be honest here,what we really want are the sideshows.

GES My ass!