CONFIRMED! Obama Will Visit Wangari Maathai’s Nyeri County. And Here Is The Letter Of Demands That Has Gone Viral Across Nyeri. (HILARIOUS)

Seems like EVERYONE is penning a letter of demands-or threats-to Obama outlining the consequences of his visit(or lack of) to their particular institution. Universities are particularly notorious in this… And Nairobi Uni just took the cake for the tackiest letter yet.

Trusted sources have REVEALED to Ghafla that the Most Powerful Man On Earth(sorry,Vladimir Putin) will be visiting Nyeri County to tour the Church that Blessed Stephanie Nyaatha used to worship in,to tour the village Nobel Laureate Wangari Maathai,who also was Obama’s friend and confidante,grew up in,and also to tour the graveside of the Founder of the Worldwide Scouts Movement Biden Powell who was buried in Nyeri.

Sister Nyaatha is of huge significance to Obama because his white mother was a Catholic who, during her stay in Hawaii, had the chance to meet and worship with the young Nyaatha way back in the 70’s.

It’s not yet clear when Obama will be visiting Nyeri County but it’s speculated that he will do so early Sunday Morning because he is planning to attend Sunday Mass in Nyeri and later tour Sister Nyaatha’s Church and projects until mid day.

And now,gripped by the Obama fever that has been driving the nation bonkers, the elated residents of Nyeri have come out to show their support and anticipation for the history-bending visit. Nothing will be left to chance.

The whole of Nyeri County is alive and upbeat… From the Governor, Hon. Nderitu Gachagua,to the little people across all corners of Nyeri, everyone is working tirelessly to ensure that Nyeri town is resplendent and magnificently manicured ahead of this much-heralded visit.

And to properly prepare for this buoyant eventuality,a group of Nyeri Women calling themselves “Atumia A Nyeri Caucus” has gone ahead an published a letter that has since gone viral across Nyeri. The group,lead by leading Nyeri female politicians and grassroots leaders and Chama women, has published a list of THINGS that should be done and NOT be done before, during and after Obama’s grand visit.

The letter,singed by the group’s Secretary General, Njeeri Wa Kahua,has since gone viral… It has been distributed across the whole County; In bars and in hotels and in schools and in homes and in the streets and in churches and across all nooks and crannies.

Njeri Wa Kahua-Atumia A Nyeri Caucus Secretary General.

We’ve finally got hold of the letter and we hereby publish it for you. It’s stern,acute, straight-to-the-point,no-nonsense, urgent and seriously very hilarious.

Here’s the LETTER. Babu Owino’s letter ain’t got nuthin’ on this one.

Re: KUSHIKA OBAMA UGENI. (TOUCHING OBAMA A VISITOR)

1. Obama anakuja. Najua hamjui ivo. Especially Mama Kang’ethe. Obama anakuja. Na ni razima tushirikiane dio hii kitu ikuwe success. Na hii dio mambo tugeoba itedeke kabla Obama afike. Aibu dogo dogo turiwachia akina Wa Brian.

2. Ware watu wanapeda kukojoa kojoa ovyo ovyo kado ya barabara tafadhali muwache. Hii ni barabara, sio choo ya kanjo. Mutu akitoka kwa nyuba atoke amekojoa. Na kama ni razima ukojoe huku inje tafadhari mutu abebe shiringi kumi akojoe kwa choo za kanjo. Hatutaki Obama akifika huku asikie tukinuka mikojo. Hii ni town ama ni Urinal?

3. Hawkers tafathari muanze kuuza vitu za maana. Sio ati kuuza dawa ya mende ama dawa ya panya hapa. Muuze vitu za heshima. Vitu kama wallet na vibeti za wamama. Vitu kama vioo na saa. Musifanye Obama aone ati sisi ni wachafu. Watu wa kuuza dawa za mende na panya tafathari edeni mukauze Nanyuki. Sio huku priss. Mutarudi next week.

4. Akina Shiru and ware wasichana wa pare Kimathi University waambiwe tafathari wavae at least nguo mrefu kidogo. Sio zile matangari wanavaaga. Mutu anavaa kaguo kadoooogo anakaa ni kama amevaa poster. Ama bendera. Mutu avae guo murefu priss. Furthermore, kuna baridi. Musifanye watoto wa Obama waone kama Nyeri hakuna material ya kutosha ya kushona nguo. Tafadhari.

5. Hii weekend tafathari hakuna kung’oa mutu transformer. Hio exercise tumepiga marufuku. For now. Mambo ya kukata transformer Wamama nawaoba priss muchoree for this weekend. Kateni vitu zingine kama mboga. Na nyama quarter. Na wazee tafathari make our work easier. Tumejitorea tusiwakate transformer. Hata nyinyi razima mu-behave. Don’t tempt us. Lakini wamama msijali, we shall resume the exercise next weekend. Si ati mutupe visu.

6. Boda boda zote ziende Karatina. Na sio kwa ubaya.

7. Ware watu wanafanya hii kazi ya kumwaga second generation alcohol aki ya mungu musimwage this weekend. Munamwaganga vitu mbaya sana. Mutafanya Obama ashindwe hii ni pombe ama ni mutu amehara. Tafathari hii mambo ya kuvamia wines and spirit tusifanye for now. Hatutaki Obama akitoka kwa gari akijaribu kutembea ateleze… Juu pombe imemwagwo kira mahali. Na kama razima mumwage pombe (i tondu hamusikiangi) tafathari mwageni pombe za nguvu kama Jameson, Baileys na kuenderea. Blue moon na Kibao iende ikamwagwo Kirinyaga prisss.

8. Beggars tafathari tunawaomba you beg for serious money. At least for this weekend only. Sio kuoba oba shiringi tano tano hapa. Mutu kama ni beggar u-beg pesa iko na adabu. Pesa itaonyesha Obama ya kwamba economy huku inamea. Na kama wewe ni ware watu wanapeaga beggar kitu, this weekend, priss muwapatie kitu ya maana. Sio kuangushia beggar shiringi Tatu kwa bakuri. Mutu atoe 50 kwenda juu. Unapatia mutu shiringi tano kwani ni baloon amekuuzia?

9. Kuna billboard zingine huku za aibu sana. Billboard muziiiiima ina-advertise nyuba za kukoboa. Na zingine zina-advertise ati sijui Condom. Mutafanya Obama afikirie kazi yetu tu huku ni kukoboa nyumba na kutumia Condom. Billboard za maana ziwekwe. Billboard ambazo zina-advertise vitu kama vitabu, for instance. Ama laptops. Sio kujaza barabara na billboard zina-advertise sabuni ya kuosha choo.

10. Nyasi yetu irimea. Sio kama ya Kidero. At least iripandwo last year. Ubaya ni ati imerariwo na idlers mpaka ikageuza rangi. Na ire nyasi ya pande ya Kimathi Street imemea mpaka inakaa thangari. So kama unajua kukata nyasi priss ongea na Mama Ken. Akupatie panga.

11. Wakati Obama atakuwa akitoa hotuba priss mukae kuerewa. Najua kizungu irikuja na meri rakini tafathari tusiaibishane hapa. Obama akisema kitu, hata kama hamujaerewa,munafaa ku-respond. Akitoa joke na muone watu wa security yake wamecheka hata nyinyi mucheke. Mutaerezewa baadaye. Aibu tuchoree. I hope familia ya Gathogoro imeskia.

12. Bendera za America hatuna. Na ingekuwa vizuri kama tungeweza kupeperusha hizo bedera kama vire naona Nairobi wakifanya. Kama uko na bedera ya America kwako turetee tafathari. Na zikikosa kabisa wamama tafathari waambiwo washone bedera. Ama mutu aambie Mama Kim atupatie bedsheets zake. Naskianga zimechorwo kama bedera.

13. Wasichana wa Kimathi University ati naskia murisema Obama akikosa kutembea hio shule yenu ati mutajikojolea. Aki ya mungu kamoja kajikojoree kaone. Mutajua paka sio sungura.

14. Ware wamama wamechaguriwo kuimbia Obama akifika Wooiii priss muoge kwanza. Munaibanga vizuri sana rakini ubaya wenu huwa munacharaza wimbo harafu muna-sweat ta ngoma. Muoge Kwanza. Harafu mutu ajipake marash. At least hata muki-sweat hio jasho isigonjeshe mugeni. Kwanza kuna kajasho Mama Eunice anatoanga, Wooiii, ni Governor tu anajua.

15. Conductor wa Matatu woooiii priss mupuguze kerere. Iteni watu pore pore watakuja. Mutu anaugiriria ati ‘Kiganjo Kumi Kiganjo Kumi’ na hata hana adabu. Kama distance yako ni ya 50 bob and below hata usishinde ukiitana na nguuuvu. Ita abiria chini ya maji. Bei zingine sio za kutangazwo.

Na kwa hayo machache,we hope muko tayari kupokea mugeni.

Na kale kasichana ka Mama Waithera kaabiwo katayarishe ‘Poem’. Na ikuwe ni poem iko na miguu. Sio zile vitu kanaandikiagwo na Uncle yake wkati Mututho amekuja.

Otherwise,tukutaneni kwa uwanja.

Yours,

Njeriu Wa Kahua.

Secretary General.