OPEN LETTER: Joji Baro, sexuality and Uncle Chim.
Don’t you remember how ridiculous it was in Harry Potter when everyone refused to say Voldemort’s name as if this is a rational reaction to ANYTHING? Well Joji Baro has become Kenya’s own Voldemort. He-who-must-not-be-named.
Judging from the comments on Ghafla!, we want to either pretend he does not exist or want Ghafla! to stop writing about him. How is this rational? Well, I am gonna give possibly the first non-trolling article about the Kenyan pop-culture phenomenon that is Joji Baro. Not with the gay agenda Ghafla! is accused of pushing, or the gay-bashing we are ALSO accused of doing. (Funny how we are vehemently accused of both).
I have been engaged in discourse with Chim the whole day about sexuality. And after our six hour convo was over, I knew something that RARELY happens when I am talking to him: Our conversation was constructive. I have to share this with you.
THE FLUIDITY OF SEXUALITY. Seriously, the only way conversations take place constructively is once you take religion out of it. So we did. So here we were. The scales of life. NOTHING is ever black and white, its the shades in between that make the beauty, the rainbow of everything (YES gay pride flag). So why do people apply strict extremes to sexuality? By theory of rationality, that states the mean of two extremes is always the reasonable proposition, then shouldn’t bisexuality be the solution to heterophilia and homophobia? But if it is, then I pose this question to everyone: WOULD YOU DATE A BISEXUAL PERSON?
Bisexuals are attracted to members of both sexes (YES, bisexuality is not a myth.) However, this doesn’t mean that they feel the need to be with a man and a woman at the same time. Just like straight or gay people, a good portion bisexual men and women will want a monogamous relationship. And when it comes to a long-term relationship, a bisexual person may end up with a partner of either gender. What do I mean? If a bisexual woman dates a man it does not mean that she is straight, and by the same token, if she dates a woman, will not make her gay. Are you still with me? The person that they marry will be the one they are in love with as a person.
So, if we are on the same page, HOW would you date a bisexual person?
1. Bisexual people DO NOT prefer one gender over another: Many, even those who eventually marry, shift between sexes depending their feelings. When entering into a serious dating relationship with a bisexual person, be prepared to accept their attraction to another of a sexual difference. BUT remember that this person is dating you because they are attracted to you as an individual.
2. Respect your date’s bisexuality as part of his or her identity: Bisexual denial is a HUGE problem affecting definitive sex preferences (BOTH gay and straight people frequently suggest bisexuality foes not exist but is a transition into acceptance of one or the other.) Bisexual people consider themselves to always be bisexual, no matter who they are dating at the time. It is important not to suggest that they are heterosexual if they are in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex, nor that they are homosexual if they are in a same-sex relationship. As such, do not question when they meet someone of the opposite or the same sex, and are attracted to them. If someone is happy with you as is, they will have “eye-candy” moments, but they will expressly want to retain your relationship with them.
3. Enter into a serious relationship with a person who is bisexual just as you would with any other person of your preferred gender: Understand attraction does not equate to cheating.Bisexual people may be attracted to a member of different or the same sex as yours; just as straight or gay people will be attracted to other members of their preferred sex. That does not mean they are cheating. Your partner is attracted to you as an individual, and by understanding that they wish to remain with you, it will make your relationship stronger. In a serious relationship, your partner should be your lover and also your best and most trusted friend. If not, then you SHOULDN’T be in a relationship. So get this: it’s no different than how an exclusively heterosexual person will always be attracted to the opposite sex, but they have consciously chosen to be in a faithful relationship with you.
4. Maintain a healthy relationship as you would with any other person: Be honest, be open, share thoughts and feelings, and always: NO JUDGEMENT/PRIDE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Tell the unarguable truth when it comes to disagreements. Learn to appreciate your partner rather than show unhealthy criticism. Help each other when needed, and communicate openly about any thing. AS YOU NORMALLY WOULD.
5. Be open minded: Bisexuality has a bad rep. People really think it’s non-existent. But it is not. It certainly has its unique challenges. However, being bisexual is just another part of our human sexual diversity.
So there it is. My utopian world. Where bisexuality is the norm, and everything else is a progression towards the extreme ends of the scale. And individuals are free to place themselves ANYWHERE on the scale: aka fluidity of sexuality is accepted.
So with all this in mind, here is what Chim asked me:
“Nali, would YOU date a bisexual MAN?“
*crickets chirping*
“Aaaaaaaaaaand the Oscar for World’s Longest Awkward Pause goes to……. NALI!!!!!!” Now, don’t get me wrong. In my beautiful utopian fantasy, I am all for people choosing to participate in whatever lifestyle they choose to. But as much as I tried to answer with my head, my heart was clear: I could never see myself dating a man who’s bisexual. And eventually, after the world’s longest awkward pause, I told Chim exactly that. And so I realised, in the spirit of everyone’s fluidity, my truth is I just can’t get down like that. Yes, I am open-minded, but my sexuality stays the same. And this was our beautiful conclusion. I have my preference, but mine is not superior to anyone’s. Nor is it a standard to measure everyone by. So there we are.
I don’t know Joji, but I am 100% ok with him being comfortable in his sexuality, because I KNOW he is by no means pushing it on me, or ANY Kenyan for that matter. In the same breath, he is NOT ashamed of it or hiding it in any way. And THAT is the extreme of two means.
