Cabu Gah Trolls All The Well-known People!

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the legendary “I HAVE A DREAM” speech by the iconic American clergyman & activist Martin Luther King Jr. delivered in Washington in 1963. And just like Martin Luther, resident stirrer, Cabu Gah too has a dream…well, a whole heap of dreams actually.

Here’s his dream;

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Teacher Wanjiku will finally be a Headteacher…The government will finally recognize her great efforts and even transfer her from a mere Swahili teacher on Churchill Show to the Headmistress on Tahidi High…

I HAVE A DREAM that Ezekiel Kemboi will one day find a good barber…a good kinyozi…A guy who wont shave him jst for the sake of it…An innocent kinyozi who will be honest with him and do justice to his head…A Kinyozi who has Kemboi’s best interests in his heart…

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Larry Madowo will start READING the news,Not PERFORMING the news…He will finally stop confusing the NTV News Studio with the Carnivore Simba Saloon. He will one day relax,do away with the endless little jokes and laughters and smiles and stories and just read the damn news!

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,the guy who married Julie Gichuru will realize the great injustice he committed against Team Mafisi. He will humble himself,go down to his lucky knees and repent profusely to the Kenya National Association of Team Mafisi.

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Shix Kapyenga will start matching her speech and accent with the super-sexy dresses and shoes and thighs she exposes on Churchill Raw. She will realize that its a CRIME to look so unbelievably gorgeous and sexy and end up speaking like a drunk makanika on Kirinyaga Road.

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Brenda Wairimu will start feeding Juliani. And also karanga-ring for him. Its a shame that Juliani is dating such a beauty who wont feed or karanga for him. I am tired of hearing that Juliani ako njaa na hata hawezi karanga!

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Okiya Omtata will find a real job…A job worth waking up to…A job that does not include being everywhere and anywhere all the time! Doing absolutely nothing! A job that doesnt include filing a thousand lawsuits per minute at the High Court! A real,sweet job!

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,one sweet day,our Animals will walk around our homesteads in peace and confidence without a fear of being raped,molested,kissed,caressed,pecked,tickled,licked,sucked,blow-jobbed or turned on by the human male species!

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,KISS TV will finally realize EXACTLY what it wants in life! And stick to it! For christ’s sake!!

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,DNA and his boys will tell us EXACTLY who the fimbo that is supposed to chapa is chaparing and why. And also tell us when the said fimbo will stop chaparing.

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Anto Neo Soul will reveal to us his REAL gender. He will finally explain to us exactly why he talks,walks,sings,laughs and looks like a girl. Or should we start calling him Auntie Neo Soul.

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,one sweet day,Eda Atieno,the TUJUANE Diva of last week will realize that there is a difference between Beijing and Bungoma. Yes,Eda will finally discover that having a hairstyle that looks like a neglected cattle-dip and an accent that sounds like an old tractor DOES NOT qualify You to be a diva. Also,she will know that there is a huge DIFFERENCE between Gold-Digging and Digging cassavas.

I HAVE A DREAM,Oh Yes,a dream that one day,GBS Television will stop fooling people and stop calling itself ‘Television’. And probably change its name to GBS SHOPPING CENTRE. Or Kenyatta Market-GBS Branch.

I HAVE A DREAM,A great dream that one day,Atwoli will wake up in a good mood. Just one day. For once.

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,Mohammed Ali will stop re-inventing the swahili language and kindly please stick to the normal Kamusi we ALL used in High School. He will finally apologize to Kenyans and know that Jaramandia and Paruwanja are NOT swahili words. Paruwanja is actually the Japanese word for Underwear.

I HAVE A DREAM! Yes! A dream that one day,Alaine will explain to us why she tells Wyre ‘Nakupenda Pia’ and Yet Wyre himself hasnt told her ‘Nakupenda’ in the first place. You cannot tell someone “Love You too” Before they have told You “I Love You” and with that,I hope Alaine will one day provide an clear explanation.

I HAVE A DREAM that one day,the Ugandan Police will finally tell us who stole Chameleone’s Valu Valu…Because Chameleone has been saying hana Valu Valu for a whole Year now….

And finally,I have a dream that Ruhila Adatia of Kiss Fm will one day STOP rapping the news. And start READING the news. For once. Either that,or start including Hip-Hop instrumentals in her news updates….

I HAVE A DREAM.

Oh Yeeeesss! A DREEEEAAAAM!

The cynicism…