Ghafla! exposé: ILLUMINATI INDUSTRY
If I had a twenty sh coin for every text/email contributors/writers in Ghafla! have received asking to join the Illuminati, I’d take myself on a SWEET holiday.
But I don’t. Instead I found myself screaming “THERE IS NO F**KING ILLUMINATI!!!” ten times over the phone to a wispy-voiced girl, proceeding to scream so guttural that Kanye West himself would be proud of me. And then I hung up.
Ten minutes later I received a call.
*insert mulika mwizi ring-tone*
-Good afternoon. This is Nali from Ghafla! speaking. How may I help you?-
-Hello? Hello? He… He…. Hello?-
*quiet*
-Hello, you’ve reached Nali. Can you hear me?-
-Hello?-
-I can hear you Miss. Shoot.-
-Madam, please. Unaninice. I want to be a little devil. Just help me.-
-Miss, this number is strictly for current Illuminati members. I’m sorry I can’t help you. Have a good day.-
Immediately after I hang up, I realized. I’m done denying it. There IS an Illuminati. And for all gullible tractionless willing-to-sell-their-souls fools everyone who has asked, Ghafla! is embarking on a 5-week exposé on Kenya’s “Illuminati Industry”.
Illuminati (some of you used to call us Freemasons) members are anyone and everyone who has monetised something that people dismissed once as “not a real job”. Seriously, all you have to do is sign up, and watch the cash roll IN!
So the next five weeks Ghafla! is taking our readers in depth into five “Illuminati” careers, week by week. A DETAILED run down of how you can join Illuminati through each and every single one of them. Every path to Illuminati membership is different, but WHO CARES! Getting in is hard enough, so all members have a mutual respect for each other. None is above the other. We are just all Illuminati brethren.
These are the newest careers guaranteed to land you in the Illuminati. (PS: STRICTLY NO SOCIALITES IN ILLUMINATI. They are not eligible to join. But they are ALWAYS called to the parties to provide entertainment.)
No need to text us, call us anymore. I’ll tell you this though: It’s not a lie what you’ve heard. It’s not easy. BUT most importantly, is, Illuminati membership is available to everyone. You have my word, EVERYONE.
First installment tomorrow at 13:00hrs Kenyan Time.
